2010 – I Will Splos' Over You're Entire World

NEW YEARS RESTITUIONS:

1. death to my enemies


2. Hide they're bodies under the resevoir ice


3. Actually go to the botanical garden!! ;-)


4. Locate a switchblade and tape it to my sternum for the inevitable


5. Try that really hot sauce they have on the table at ollies(!!)


6. Tell those i care about just how much they mean to me


7. try to think more positive


8. Actually go the botntical garden in brooklyn


9. figure out a way to get that peace of glass out of my foot once and for all


10. Get a girlfriend that likes me as much as i like her.

See, this is my problem:

I pick out the girls I love but then they don't love me. Then the girls I don't love, love me. It's actually funny how much this happens. they change almost every day and I'm basically like, "ENOUGH!" I get it. I know I could get some of the really pretty ones if i bought them a la champs bag or something, or, like, took them out with the amex my dad gave me for emergencies and "a little wickedness now and then!" as he says. But, and honestly call me old -fashioned (I do think I'm an old soul!) but I think a girl should love you for who you are inside and outside. both of them. you should be attracted to the soul inside and also the shape of the face and body.

11. Cut off what i call half-friends. these are the people that want to eat lunch with me when i really only want to eat with dan or j.j. I'm gonna cut them out of my life so i have more time to talk about what dan and j.j. and me want to talk about – not what dumb s#!t tony always wants to mention. I DON"T CARE ABOUT PS2. I HONESTY DON'T CARE ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. Its so tupid. Why does he even like it? He's sitting and pushing buttons. That's almost as dumb as sports fans. Who cares? OH MAN, a group of millionaires form my city just did really well. I feel SUPERIOR then EVERYONE ELSE because I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and wasted like 90 bucks to sit one mile away from the millionaires. I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

12. try to be nicer to people.

screeners

so this year for christmas (hanukkah) my dad sent me 11 different academy screeners.

do you know what these are?

these are all the movies that are in theaters now but they send them to you on DVD so that you can watch them in you're underpants and than vote for the awards.

so...the peopel who get these are the poeple who already have so much money. its kinda funny when i see all these kids lined up outside AMC and their spending so much money and trying to sneak in using a granny ticket and its so sad b/c i have all these dvds on my bedspread that i dont even want to watch b/c i don't even like movies.

WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE CALLED UP IN THE AIR? about some guy who travels all the time and can't connect to any body? oh jesus. i WONDER what the journey of the movie will be. MAYBE. he'll learn to STAY IN ONE PLACE. and  then CONNECT WITH SOMEONE. id idn't watch it so don't think this is a spoiler. i don't know. but i don't care.

here's what makes a good movie:

1. heroic deeds

2. tough choices

3. fun locations (mountains, germany, etc.)

4. a little sexy fun (boobs, etc.)

5. what's called an ultimatum.

an ultimatum means that there are two things taht one person wants but he has to choose one or the other. so like, "I will kill your friend unless you give me the sack of plutonium." something like that.

there shoudl also be like a big cliff drop involved.

and an exploded helicopter.

anyway, all i wanted from my dad was for him to surprise me and take me to sarah beths for waffles. instead he's visiting his gf's family b/c it is her winter break from notre dame. 

 i don't even like movies. :(

Christmas in New York City

It's XMAS!! 

Today i was walking around and everyone was in such a good mood. Its totally amazing to see people smiling and kids laughing and feeling warm for once.

I went to 30 Rock (which is a real location) and they have a huge tree and all of these foreigners (people from all over america) come and take photos. They were so annoying. I could barely walk and had to walk in the street because they were so busy taking photos of themselves smiling in front of the tree.

Why do people smile in photos? So dumb. It's like, "Oh hey, I'm gonna smile and pretend the photographer caught me in a moment of happiness. Oh we're all so happy." Its total bs. I like old school photos where men and women didn't smile because it was more truthful. they new that everyone is mostly sad.

Also! I hate when people take photographs of public events (like obama inaguration) or of buildings, etc. I mean, there are altready a millino photofs of obama getting inagurated taken by PROFESSIONALS. why would they want to record it on they're cell phone camera? it is so dumb. why don't they LOOK at tit happening in person instead of watching it thru a tiny screen. defeats the purpose. its like whats called an oxymoron or irony.

anyway, today is the day when the jews eat chinese, so dana and mom and gram pips and i are gonna get some OLLIES and then go see a movie. it better not be IT'S COMPLICATED, even know i no my mom has a hard on for alec baldwin ever since she met him at a gala fundraiser for one of her charities.

i just hope my dad will call.

holiday gift idea

FOR THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS WHO HAVE 80 EARS

DRAFT ONE of my COLLEGE ESSAY – ARRIVES THIS WEEK

listen -- i know usually i'm like a humormachine and this blog, upper west splos' is a place the world clicks on just to get a little laughter in they're dark lives, but i need your help.

my dad is making me do my college essay early because he claims i'm, "you're an idiot. an actual idiot. i can't believe your my son." and he's sort of joking, so i had to start in advance. normally, my dad would jsut pay my cousin who goes to standford to rigth the essay for me, but i said that ir eally want t do it. some things in life you can absolutely get by paying for, but sometimes you just want to take the fair route so that you can look back on your life and say, "i mostly did it on my own."

SO -- i'm righting this essay on my own and then i hope you will all give me smart edits and ideas (i don't need jokes, i'm all set). and then, when it is perfect, i'll show it to my dad and i think it'll really be a great moment in our relationship.

form,
dave splosian
-------

today i ate

an entire meal while in the shower

here's how it happened:

i was LATE to get to a movie. i won't tell you what movie because it is maybe a little embarasing because it is about this guy who is so sad taht his kids dont care about him anymore but then they do at eh end. real big surprise, right? but my mom is kinda lonely since Guy left, and she said that i'm her 'man again.' so i took her out ot the movies and bought her a big popcorn using her credit card and i even held her hand during previews but i had to stop because ana was there with her boyfriend and i didn't want her to see me being a momas boy and i'm pretty sure she was impressed at how kind i was and could ssee that i was trying to make my mom feel like a woman so ana probably was thinking about me a little while her boyfriend was feeling her up.

SO.

i was coking these delicious lean pockets but i didnt want to miss previews b/c those are the best, so i decided to take it into the shower with me.

it was totall fine until i got the soap and the lean pocket mixed up and pushed it all around my torso for like 20 seconds.

ahah. but it was fine because i was IN THE SHOWER! so it washed almost all off right away. my torso smells a little like chicken and brocoocli.

i think im gonna set my mom up with my guydance counselor Alan.

I guess I'm Famous

Since I figured out how to put a counter on this blizzag in september, let's just say i've been sucking from teh tit of celebrity

ladys aned genteman, SPLOSIAN is about to pass 2000 UNIQUUE hits.

do you know what that means?

one hit for every year in the last MILLENIUM

that's like if everyone from christopher columbus to shakespeare to that guy who fought in the civil war oh yeah abe linconln haha to lazy to go back and delete to sharon stone have read this blog!

i would like to thank the academy of blogs for this great honor. i'm gonna celebrate by drinking a six pack of sqeezeits.

in other news, i've been working supe3r hard on my  college essay witch i'll be posting here super soon for your feedback and guidance. i've decided that i need to get into dartmouth or i'm honestly going tyo throw myself out the window onto CPW.

i'm also taking a big brake from girls. my guidance counselr ms. donahue syas that i'm "girl crazy" and that i should just focus on my studies for a bit. she said that when i can't focus bvecause i'm thinking about girls that i should just take a 'cold shower' and then she winked which was so creepy. why was she thinkint of me in the shower? looks like mss donahue doesn't have enough love in her life! hahahaha.

did you know that bagel bites cook like 9 times fast in the oven if you put the oven on "CLEAN"????

horses are red, violence is true

MY COOL UNCLE LET ME DRINK 3 AMSTELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!!!

stuck in the city that never sleeps....AROUND!!!!!!!

i was supposed to go see my dad in hollywood for thanksgiving but at the last minute he had to go to his girlfriends' parents in salt lake. so stoopid. that's the only time his girlfriend is home from college and she wants to go to barbados with her friends over winter break, so my dad bailed on me. so i ate with my mom, auntie j, STOOPID DANA, and and gummy (grandma pippi)


my mom wouldn't let me eat deserts becase i gained back the 3 pounds i lost this summer. i told her that i just had a lott of coins my pocket but she didn't believe me. i did tho.


gummy gave me 300 bucks to spend "on whatever you want!" so i'm gonna use the money to bye a smoke machine which i'll use on dana when she brings her new boyfriend slate home for WINTER BREAK!


ugly betty also isn't that ugly. i think she's really cool. she looks sort of like a hot naima. haha. jk naima. your pretty too when you actually try (i keep telling her this but she doesn't believe me!)

college application

i am applying to colleges soon.

my dad says i need to think about what i'm gonna right.

i need your're opionons.

tehese are potential options:

1. tennsi

2. voluntearing

3. world piece

4. just like all of my best jokes

5. how hard it is to grow up jewish in new york city (the struggle)

6. telling why the chicken obviously came before the egg. its so flippin obvious. how would an egg just appear? gbut it makes sense that the chicken would evolve out of the dinaosura

MAPLE TICKLE!

if you put maple syrup on the back of your hand and lick it, it not only tastes delicious but also tickles!!!

i found out tonight that my sister smokes.

i had no idea

whats the point anymore

she told me 4 weeks ago that shes never smoked before

i mean, maybe she started in the last 4 weeks

but i don't think so

why would she lie to me?

ifi can't trust her, i can't trust anybody

this is such garbgae

why do people do dumb things just to look cool?

i'd rather live somewhere on an island where all i do is take happy pills and play with damon

i'm done with nyc

i'm done with everybody

i hate

evyerone

BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

went 2 an AMAZING punk concert 2nite.

the ONLY band i like : BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY b/c they understand that everyone is a liar.

EVERYONE was jumping an fighting. i got laffy taffy. this cute girl behind the bar was named RORY. she asked me wear i got my tshirt and i told her the name of the store but she had never heard of it.  i told her it was expensive to impress her and it did. i think she wanted me to ask her to dance or fight.

THEY SANG MY FAVORITE SONG: LINK! : SORT OF LIKE BEING PUMPED

they give away all they're music 4 free, so you can listen to the hole thing. it means they don't make any $ so they will starve to death. i told this idea to my dad and i thought he'd be like "thats cool, david. i respect that" but my dad is a robot in the hollywood army and said "there business model is unustainable" or something. i think their cool, tho.

the bad news is that in the parking lot i fell and cracked open like the underside of my nose wear the nose touches the skin that touches the LIPS

STILL i had an amazing time and i am never going to forget meeting Jeff and having him sign my napkin from my REAL HOT PRETZEL

I AM NOW AN OFFICIAL ROSENSTALKER!

franz ferdinand is a thief and a jerk

wendall made me listen to this 'awesome' song he had on his iphone today at lunch. we're not aloud to take out our cells during school hrs, but he's al llike, "it's worth risking.' so he plays me this SUPER OLD song called The Dark Of The Matinée by Franz Ferdinand

WELL.

what a slice of hot garbage!


that song is just HAVA NEGILA played on an electric guitar w/ distorsion. 


ive been to like 3932039842093842 bar mitzvahs and that song is burned into my chochlea (sp?). 


i bet franz ferdinand has built like 4 houses off that song when he didn't even write it.


i'm gonna go write a hit song that is actually "God Bless America" set to a rap beat.

sick

i am sick

:-O====================

why did they stop calling swine flew swine flew and start calling it h1n1?

"oink oink" said the murderous pig

is it the pork industry? that is total bs. we are letting people die in genocides in other country's but we are worried about the pork lobbys? this is total bs.

i hope i have swine flew so i can tell everyone

i also have a culturual geography quiz tomorrow and id on't know where all the countrys are in europe and i half to label a map. this is impossible. i don't care wear moldova is. i'm pretty sure that's not even a real place. it sounds like a part of a girl's body that were learned in health or something. i'm totally screwed. unless patricia calls my mom and she lets me stay home but i'm nots ure if patricia can get to my mom with the time zone change. what time is it right now in kytoto?

i hope i have swine flew.

love dave

ps -- naima -- are you still online? i don't see you on my fbchat but i'm worried yo u are on invisible. is this true? i was only kidding and i only told those things to nina p. because i thought you had already told her. i don't think they are small. i think they are nice.

dave hollywood

should i have thanksgiving with dad in hollywood? he says he'll invite 2 moviestairs i'm crushing on, but i dunno.


i think he jsut wants me to come b/c it'll piss off my mom.


she wants me to stay here and have thanksiginvg with her, dana, damon, and aunt j. and grandma pippi if she's in a good mental state.

Night of the Devil

Hello my young followers!! ;-)

2nite is DEVILS NIGHT. you know what that means!?!?

HI JINKS!

HI JINKS!

HI JINKS!

tonight is gonna be the best night of my life. i know it. first of all, naima and i have patched things up ever since i left her for alli. naima understood that iw as just trying to have more experiences even though she knows that we'll totally end up togher. i just need to sew some wild otes, as she says her mother says. which i thnk is exactly right. 

so naima is a HUGE prankster. its actually ridiculous. once i saw her just go thru the salad bars at whole foods in columbus circle and hjust EAT THINGS. also she told me she's smoked before.

TONIGHT we're GONNA dump GlASS down the garbage shoot. TONIGHT we're GONNA GO INTO THE PARK PAST CLOSING AND SHE HAS SOMETHING SECRET FOR US, SHE SAYS. I"M PRETTY SURE IT IS that HALF EMPTY BOTTLE OF MADEIRA SHE FOUND BEHIND THE TOILET IN HER FATHERS BATHROOM>

many of you asked how things went with bea. WELL. I decided to take my own girl advice and ignore her b/c thats the best way to force a girl to fall in love with you.


it's working b/c she hasn't contacted me yet and its been like 2 weeks!

I AM A FUTURE-TELLER!

Ummmmm............guess who is smarter than the FBI, CIA, NSA, & INTREPOL?

ME!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/28/world/asia/28intel.html?_r=1&hp

IF YOU WILL REMEMBER I PREDICTED THIS A WEEK AGO:

http://splosian.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-actually-tell-gurl-you-love-here.html

still, no one is giving me any credit. this is total bs

inside of every baby

is a secret

newest news(!)

first, i want to take this moment to congratulate me on having over 800 hits in just this one month. this is HUGE. imagine 800 people. now imagine 800 people reading my MIND. and only 2/3 of the hits are me hitting reload to see if pople are posting comments.

i want to beat oprah in terms of popularness. she is so smug. i know i can.

i'm starting a bookclub to compete with hers. here is my first book. i need everyone read it by november 15 and then i'll post what the book is really about for oyu to learn:

DAVE SPLOSIAN BOOK CLUB BOOK NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO

heres the NEWS!!!!

i found this email in my email box. this is it in transcyption:

"David, Nina P. told me you are the one writing the funny blog. Is this true? Will you write about me so that I know it is really you? xoBea."

SO FOR THOSE YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, BEA IS THE HOTTEST GIRL IN NEW YORK. SHE GOES TO SPENCE. I ONLY TALKED OT HER ONCE AND IT WAS IN A GROUP OF 4 OTHER PEOPLE AT A BAR MITZVAH.

SO HERE'S THE PROBLEM:

1. if i write her name in this blog, then she'll be so happy and impressed.

2. but if she reads it and knows I like her, then i could be embrassed if she knows its me and her feelings aren't reciprotocal.

WHAT DO I DO?>!>!>!

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT

stay tuned!

HOW TO [ACTUALLY!!!] TELL A GURL YOU LOVE HERE; PART 1

The blogosphere has been BLOWING UP over my recent SLAMDOWN of the wikihow entry on how to tell a girl that you are loving her.

first of all, i want to thank you (my fans) for supporting me and theis blog. if you like what you read SEND ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love to get money to spend on DRUGS!~!!!!! jk, i'm drug free b/c drugs are NOT cool and are responsible for the WARS IN AFGHANSITAN and IRAQ. i think the US should just BUY THE OPIUM FIELDS and then there won't be any more wars. plus then we'll own all this land in AFGAHANISTNA and IRAW wear they can bild resorts which will be awesome b/c they'll come with tons of FRFEEEE OPOUIM!

so here's how you tll a girl you like her.

first -- CLEAN YOURSELF! there is nothing girls hate more than a smelly boy. i shower about 3 times day and I brush my teeth between classes. i aalso swallow 4-6 altoilds like pills so that when i burp, i burp MINT. it actually works. i also fart mint.

NOTE: if you are an athelte like me (tennis!!!! what what!) girls like when your in you're uniform and have sweat on your body. it reminds them that we are all animals. so what i do is where my uniform and spray myself with this bottle of WHITE DIAMONDS perfume i found in my mom's closet. it gives me a glisten the grisl LOVE.

second -- pick out the girl you want to covet.

here are a checklist to help you choose the girl:

is the girl pretty? (yes / no)
is the girl rich? *(yes / sort of / no)
is the girl funny (no / no) hahaha!
is the girl nice to you (my last three girlfriends cheeted on me and that's NOT cool.) (yes / you think so but your not totally sure / no)
is the girl have a PENIS! (yes / no) HAHA. if you answer yes, you just kissed a BOY!
is the girl smart? (girls are smarter then boys. that's just a fact. they are also taller)
how old is the girl? (yes / no)

NOW . tally your answers. if you answered yes at least 5 times, you are in love. pick that girl and then you have to find a time when you can impress her.

SECRET: THE WORST YOU TREAT A GIRL, THE MORE SHE WILl FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

show her a little attention andf then sort of treat her like s#it. then sort of pretend your interested in her best freind. this will incerease the jealousy. a lot of jeaously is at the heart of every first relationship. FACT: my father's girlfriend is the most jealous person i ever met and i saw her throw a barstool at my dad once when he was giving this woman his phone number just because he wanted to see if his phone was broken. my dad's girlfriend is SO CUTE and is like 22, so that's proof right there.

ok, so by now youve probably touched the boob of her best friend.

what does it feel like ? (good / bad)
does she have a Penis? (THAT'S A BOY! AHAHHAHAA WQITH BOOBS!))!!!!)

ok. now comes the time when you have to do what's called a "GRAND GESTURE."

this may be like buying her something expensive or helping her to win her field hockey game or something.

she'll be all like, "He does care about me?"

NOW THE NEXT PART IS CRUCIAL!!!!!

when she tries to kiss you, say, "i'm sorry, but im not attracted to you."

this will lower her eseteems. then she is yours.

i want to say, RIGHT NOW, that i am NOT A SHOWVANIST!! i rote these theorys in ms. danton's class and turned it in for creative righting and she rote back that iw as a SHOWVANIST and i should treat women with respect and just be honest.

ms. danton is 53 and unmarried.

bingo.

(true her husband sdied last summer, but she's still unmarried and doesn't get what love is like these days)

i've had 6 girls break my heart since december. they can be so mean and sometimes you jsut need to fight back.

i think i need to go back on my meds.

anyway...

i right more thoughts to tomorrow. i gotta lie down for a while. if you want to

how to tell a girl you like her

my friend dan posted on my facebook this awesome step by step guide that is a template (sp?) for how to write a note to a girl and say I LIKE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

in case you cant telll and are a stupid, I"M BEING SARCASTIC. this is th WORST STEP BY STEP GUIDE I HAVE EVER READ. this is even worse then the step by sstep directions i read to try to digure out HOW TO MAKE MONEY: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Money

which was dum b/c all it talked about was strageies of economiy when i really want to know HOW TO MAKE IT. like with my laster printer.

i am a kid and i'm not gonna get in troubhle until i'm over 18. until then, i can print money and buy things with it.

don't think i'm a jerk. i'll buy stuff that iws way overpirced, like from the bodegas so i can get some vitamins juices for what they're reallyw orth – NOTHING

-----

here is my step-by-step BELIEFS on the step-by-setp guide on HOW TO TELL A GIRL YOU LIKE HER. my coments is in RED.

-------

CITE YOUR SOURCES!!!!!! [biblioblograhy}

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Love-Letter-to-a-Girl-You-Do-Not-Know

first of all, the title. 'a girl i do not know?"" if i don't know her, then how do i know i love her? i mean, i guess i honestly believe that there is someone out there for me who i'have not met yet but i will someday and it will be love at first site. i do believe in that. so ig uess the title is actually ok. i'd go back and delte what i wrote but i'm too lazy. :-p

STEPS:

1. Use some special paper, eg: handmade notepaper.

YEAH SURE. MAYBE IF I'M TRYING TO TELL A BOY THAT I LOVE HIM.

2. Find out the girl's name and write "Dear (insert name)" at the top of the page.

HOW DO I FIND THIS OUT? this has CATASTROPHY written ALL OVER IT. obvi the person who wrote this doesn't understand that no one says, "DEAR SOMEONE" anymore. you say, "HEY" or "WHAT'S UP" or "Listen: "

3. Talk about what you like about her and a little about yourself.

HEY STRANGER. I LIKE YOU BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR SMOOTH FACE AND YOUR THIN LITTLE HIPS. I THINK YOU MIGHT SMELL GOOD IF WE GAVE HUGS AND I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT TO A LUNCH WHERE WE COULD SIP SODA POPS GIMME A FU#KIN' BREAK!

4. Sign it "Love, (insert name here)", or leave it anonymous, giving strong hints as to who you are.

Again. IDIOT. I don't tell a girl i love her until the 4th date. you need to save some things till later or the girls will get tired of you super fast and then dump you. its happened to me for like the last 6 girls. it really sucks.

5. Try putting a picture of yourself in the card.

yeah. of your boner.

IDIOT.

6. Put it in something noticeable like a bright pink envelope, or something more discreet if you think she'll find it embarassing, and have a friend give it to her or put it in her locker. If you don't know what her locker number is, ask one of her friends.

bright pink envelope? DON"T YOU DARE PUT IT IN THE DARK PINK ENVELOPE OR SHE WILL THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO DEVOUR HER FLESH!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. If you're the confident type, find her, walk straight up to her and hand it to her with a smile. Don't talk too much to her.

walk up to her, don't talk, and hand her a letter you wrote to her. this has DISASTER WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. i can't think of anything creepier. well, i actually can think of laike 1000000 things creepier, but this is just a bad idea. this hole thing was obviously written by a nine year old girl who is home schooled.

Two of the warnings from the WIKI thing:

"

• Girls get suspicious very easily so be careful.
• You might be seen as CREEPY. It could be better to wait and have someone introduce you."

no coments nessesary!

---------------------------------

TOMORROW I WILL TELL YOU HOW TO ACTUALLY TELL A GIRL YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER!

OH S#IT here comes my teacher. i'm supposed to be researching MICRONESIA

THE INTERNET IS SO SLOW

THE SLOW INTERNET MAKES ME WANT TO HONESTLY MURDER A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!

i have so much important internet work to do and it is taking ike 5 minutes to load a yutube.

WHAT IS THIS? NETSCAPE AND LIKE WINDOWS 95!?

In 1995 I WAS a baby. even as a baby my internet was faster than this.

HONESTLY. to see how slow my interet is, clikc this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DBuk91phkI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DBuk91phkI&feature=related

oh s#it. it's fixed.

nevermind

FALCONRY

http://www.henfoldbirdsofprey.co.uk/Gallery/falcon_in_hood.jpg

is there no hope?

does anyone even read this blogg?

i went off my meds 3 days and i think i'm literally going to frown myself to death.

no one even notices that i'm so sad.

i write all tehse great posts and no one even tells me what car my dad should buy me or how i should get back together with Alli and now she's ditched me to hook up with Yuri from tel aviv.

when my mom gives me my paxil i feed it to damon (my dogg).

he is SO happy. this morning he was like smiling and staring at his relfection in the oven door.

but am i smiling?

NEVER. NOT EVEN WHEN I BRUSH MY TEETH.

I AM FROWNING WHILE I BRUSH MY TEETH.

this emoticon is how i feel:

;-(

it's the WINK / FROWN. very rare. but very accurate.

how i am learning to drive

fateful readers –

guess what I just got?

NO! it wasn't a bone-r. it was A DRIVERS PERMIT.

i am now totally aloud to drive a CAR as long as i have a lisensed driver next to me which i think is actually the stupiedest thing i've ever heard because what is a licened driver gonna do if i'm in trouble? like yell at me, "USE THE WIPER FLUID – QUICK!" or "DON'T HIT THAT OLD WOMAN! – QUICK!"

if i hit her, i hit her. i don't need someone yelling at me.

my dad siad that if i lose 15 pounds by thanksgiving he'll buy me a car. i'm going to do it. it won't be hard at all. i just will stop eatingl ike the week before and i'll get a haircut and also use the scale in the upstairs bathroom that is 4 pounds generous ever since i slammed with into the toilet seat.

my mom was all like, "YOU ARE NOT GETTING A CAR IN THE CITY. WHERE ARE OYU GOING TO PARK IT?" and i said, "IN A PARKING SPOT OBVI."

anyway, i told my dad that mom's cool with it and they don't talk ever since that time at my sisters piano recital, so i'm pretty sure i'll get the car wihtout a hasssle.

WHAT KIND OF CAR SHOULD I FORCE HIM TO GIVE ME?????

FASTING

omg i'm gonna die.

i have to not eat because it is the day of reticence.

it makes no sense. i'm suposed to not eat so that i can thik about my sins.

but i'm so hungry that all i can think about is tacos.

if i'm supposed to think about sins, then i should be the opposite of hungry.

which is full.

so that i'm nothinking about food.

i should want to EXPLODE because of food.

then i'd say, "I'm so sorry I ate so much. Forgive me."

i honestly feel like i'm gonna shrivel up like those kids on tv

:-(

nightmare

last night i had a nightmare.

i woke up and my heart was beeting so hard that the blanket was vybrating.

i didn't know where i was for a full minute even tho i was just in my bedroom.

i thought i twa sin a prison and i started to scream

my mom rushed in and asked me what was wrong

i started to tell her but then i couldn't remember my nightmare

does this ever happen to you?

its so frustrating. now my mom thinks i was just joking around and trying to make a great gag to wake her up at 4:30 am.

i wish i could remember the absolutely awful thing that happened to me in my sleep so that i could have it happen again and again and again until i could remember and then tell my mom.

that would show her.

obitchuary

so for english class we had to right our own obitchuarys. it is an exersize to help us to see what we will become in the FUTURE.

this is what i wrote and am bringing in 2morroOHHHHHHHHH

------------

David Kelsey [SPLOSIAN]

1993-2009

David Kelsey [SPLOSIAN] died today of a massive coronary.

He was in the middle of winning the US OPEN and also solving an unsolved crime about Jon F. Kennedy (a 4mer president).

David has 3 children who are surviving without him. THese are they're names:

Trish, Shadow, and Eric.

He also has a wife. This is what she looks like:

http://gfjfgkfgk.up.269g.net/image/kristen_bell_shoot_2_big.jpg

After graduating with a perfrect grades from Collegiate, David attended the University of Dartmouth, following in his father's footsteps literally. At Dartmouth, he was elected president of the fraternity / newspaper and had a small group of really funny but also close-nitted frineds.

After graduting from Darthmith, David was ofered a job in the ISraeli army. He also was ofered a job to be a speechwriter for Barak Obama because David is a DEMOCRAT PARTY and also is creative with words and thoughts of motivatsionsal speaking.

You may talk a bit about your favorite hobbies or books that made an impact on your life. Be sure to use complete sentences and proper grammar when wr:

Some of my favorite hobbies include TENNIS, nature, central park walks, time with Damon rolling around like two old souls, and i'm starting to sort of like singing but i only learned 3 notes.

David's body was CREMATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my sister

keeps pooring my shampoo down the drain

such difficulteys!

OK so the world has opened up beneath my feet and i'm not even talking about the time i fell into a manhole on 73rd and lex.

so, as so many of oyu know, my dad is in the movies business (DON"T WORRY MOM I"M NOT GOING TO SAY WHO HE IS JESUS CHRIST STOP THREATENING MY INTERNET. I NEED IT LIKE I NEED FOOD IN MY STOMACHS! WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE SINCE YOU DIVORSED HIM. DON'T TURN OFF MY WIRELESS AGAIN!)

um.

so i went out to LA last may to visit my dad and he took me to a shooting of this movie called 500 DAYS OF SUMMER which opened this summer. and it was sort of cool. i've been on movie sets a billion times, but its always nice to go back because of the food.

anyways, so this girl comes over to me and she's sort of pretty and we start talking. she assks me about the rubber bracelet around my wrist and is joking saysing, "do you wear that because you went to second base with a girl?" and at the time i hadn't been to second base with a girl because i wasonly 15. since then i've gone to second base a total of 9 times with a total of 2.5 girls.

anways, so the girl asks me that and i'm like, 'no, i wear this because of cancer.' and she's like, 'i know.' turns out she was a jokseter. but she was sort of pretty and we kept tlking. she asked me if i wanted a cd of her band and i was like, 'um ok,' because it was polite and i don't even really like any music because it hurtsm y ears.

then they set up the seen and it turns out the girl i was talking to was the movie star -- this actress named zooey daschanel. if you don't believe me, here is ap hotograf of her:

http://chadpelley.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/zooey-deschanel-07.jpg

so then she starts doing this dum seen with this guy who kept whereing sweater vests. every single seen they kept switching his sweater vest. it was so weird.

anyway, it turns out that this girl zooey was super at acting. i totally forgot that we had even had a conversation about bases.

anyways, at the endo of the shooting day, we took a photograf toether and she kissed me on the cheak in the photograf and my hand is like almost sort of holding her brest.

WELL

alli was looking through my iphoto to find this hilarious photograf we took last week of this homeless man pooping in a garbage can and she found the brest photograf of me and zooey.

she won't even talk to me anymore.

said i cheeted on her butt that was even before we were exclusive.

what do I DO?

omg i just found out

that my family is absurdly rich

i invented the new ipod!!!!!

i invented the next iPod!!! I'll giv eyou a hint. it doesn't ahve to do with music and it's something you use in the cellar. it is very inexpensive to manufacture (except ofr the microchips i bet i could make it in a weekend). it weighs basically nothing in the final version. so its so litewait that you can take it with you to your friends cellar or even a cellar in a nother state, like oregon.

it makes life easier and also better.

that's it for hints until i get it patented.

I'M GONNA BE SO RICH THAT I WON'T EVEN NEED MY INHERITANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

the power of prayer

my mom's personal trainer is sick today

please pray for him

second base

it's incredible. i'm not joking. i always knew it'd be awesome. it's incredible. i'm not joking.

here's how it happened!

[NO IT WASn'T A DARE – ROHIT!]

alli and i were playing under her covers and i actually was just like, "i'm floppin tired of just looking at it so I just went BANG and she started laughing and was like, "you're good at that" and I didn't even know I was good at grabbing a boob! it's all like, "what's secret skills do i have inside of me that i didn't even realize?" i bet i can like pole vault. honeslty. does anyone acutally know how to pole vault? its not something you just leran. it must be innate, like breathing or pooping. i know if i got a huge flopping pole [AND NO I DON"T MEAN THAT ROHIT YOU PERVERT!] and was like BOOM I know I could flip over the bar and not even touch iwth my toes. i could be a secret olympian just like that girl form china who pretended to be old enough to do gymdances even though she was only 7 and didn't even sing the national anthem.

anyway, this opens up a huge question – DO I GO FOR THIRD OR GO STRAIGHT FOR HOME? that wuld certainly impress her. but i'm honestly not sure i'm ready for a homerun.

in truth, my favorite thing to do is just sit and kiss.

what a day!!

news news news news news news news news!

i took a PPSAT and guess what mudderfudders...i'm an f'in' GENIUS!!!!¡

that's right, a practice, practice SAT and i got an f'in' 202!

that's basically crazy as hell considering i only studied for it for the last six months and i was supposed to be studying for the last eight!

the whole thing was like totally simple and is SO formulaic. it's almost always B and if it isn't, just choose the answer that is the most politicaly correct, even in math. so like:

jane has more chocolates than dave and dan. but dave has more chocolates tahn dan. but dan has more chocolates than jane. who has the most chocolates?

the answer is jane because women didn't the vote until 1920 when woodrow wilson allowed them to suffrage.

if i ever got drunk, i bet i could get like a 209 wasted off my butt.

another summer, another bummer

listen, i've been trying to be so positive.

since my doctor put me on lexepro four months ago, i find that even if i sit on my bed native american style and shut my eyes and try to think of the saddest things in the world, i still burst into laughter and feel freakin incredible.

erin has been dating erik for the last five months.

fine.

I GET IT.

but listen, of my friends there has been already 5 'turn-overs.' but not erin and erik. wtf? do they have some special magic that no one else can afford?

erik is boring. he's actually the most boring person i've ever seen but still he went to third base with carrie AND nina j. and i heard through an EXTREMELY reliable source that he got a beej from nina p. THE DAY BEFORE he asked erin to see cloverfield.

I DON'T GET IT.

phhfffff.

anyway, i'm really enjoying dating naima and it's been a fun three weeks and i'm enjoying having some good 'firsts,' or whatever, but...

erik, erin, naima, and i are having a picnic today. i'll report back if i don't step in front of the M66.

splos-OUT!

i burned my tongue

oh my jesus i'm so mad.

i'm going to shake shack tomorrow to celebrate summer.

i have eaten like celery and fiberone all week to replace the calories.

i'm so mad.

i'm stil gonna f'in' go but i won't be able to taste even the most tangy of tastes.

i'm so f'in' mad.

in other news i think i'm gonna take up smoking.

the weather couldn't be better!!

so why is my heart snowing?

spring break (!)

beaches have so many grains of sand.

i once red that there is one grain of sand for each person that has lived and will ever live.

it is the exact number.

today i took a handful of sand and destroyed them.

i feel like i murdered the people of the future.

also – BOND IS ON PAY PER VIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stupid baby

there is a stupid baby screaming thru the wall of our apartment.

stupid baby doesn't even know tehre are other babys starving in africa.

if he's screaming, he better have earned it.

DEMONS

THE DEMONS ARE STILL AWAKE AT FOUR IN THE MORNING.

THE DEMONS SEE ALL.

THE DEMONS KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.

THE DEMONS CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR.

THE DEMONS WERE FORGED IN THE HELLFIRES OF HELL.

THE DEMONS ARE NOW MOVING TO THE SUBURBS.

THE DEMONS JUST BOUGHT A USED JETTA.

THE DEMONS FOUND IT AT A LOW PRICE – A REAL BARGAIN.

THE DEMONS CAN TASTE YOUR BLOOD BEFORE IT HAS LEFT YOUR BODY.

THE DEMONS ARE LURKING WHERE YOU MOST EXPECT THEM.

THE DEMONS ARE EXPECTING THEIR FIRST IN LATE JANUARY.

THE DEMONS WORSHIP A VENGEFUL GOD ONLY ON MAJOR HOLIDAYS.

THE DEMONS HAD A BABY GIRL BORN PREMATURELY, ISABEL.

THE DEMONS NEED YOUR UPDATED ADDRESS FOR THEIR ANNUAL WINTER FAMILY UPDATE LETTER.

THE DEMONS ARE CONTENT WITH THE CHOICES THEY'VE MADE.

ARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?

THIS BLOG IS THE PBS OF BLOGS

Listen folks. It's that time of year. The anal holiday drive for monies.

Send me money! This lbog doesn't right itself!!!

These are expenses I have:

 -- my mom pays for internet/computer

 -- my dad pays for my phone / unliminted texts so i can update ON THE GO in case i see something like breaking newsy.

-- i have to feed my body so my heart beats and i can bring you brilliance

-- i need to feed my entertainment hunger --we're talking itunes, we're talking movies, we're takling ps2/wii sh*T. FEED ME.

-- I like to have spending money because its really not safe to walk around without any money on your. i'm not sure why but my mom is so serious about it. i'm like, "i'll just go to tha atm or charge it" buts she's like, what if you need money. and i'm like, "I NEED MONEY. GIMME MONEY!" so she gievs me money. you should too.

also, and though I know i have a loyal fangroup who treats this blog like they're religion, you need to rea dit. sometimes i wrorry i'm just typing to myself. and that's fine. the mission statement of my blog is that this is basically a dihererea. haha. no a diary. dairy? i'm not sure on the sp. BUTT. you should read.

if you're looking for an awesome way to spend TIMEDOLLARS, log onto SPLOSIAN.

splos-OUT.

PS -- You've asked about my meeting with Naima. Details are 4thcoming.

DILEMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who could see that the very problem that  i was had was also being had by Naima?

So, fateful readers, you'll remember that Naima is basically my best friend of all time (Other Erin and sometimes Gayle). 

So here i was going on to Naima about how I'm gonna ask Erin and then what confuses me is that Naima totally nose that I like Erin (I go on about her all the time and she goes on a bout Derek/Shawn Mellman). So, she calls me and is like -- lets go to west side diner and get gyros and talk about it (she was going to ask Shawn because she decided Derek is a litlte dumb). 

so, we go there and im' talking first about how i think the best way to ask out erin is to do it in person so she'll feel a lot of pressure to say yes.

but then, naima starts like pushing peaces of lettice and tomatoes and like the container of cucumber suace onto the table with her fork and i can see she's get pissed off. so then i'm like, "Naima. your making a mess!" I mean, I love f%KINg THINGS UP and BUILDING HAVOC as much as the next kid, but this was just sort o fmean and we go there all the time and danielle would have to pick it up. 

so she goes, "did you ever think of asking ME???????"

then i said, "no." because the best awy to treat girls is honesty. you have to treat them like ladies and they'll respect you. my mom told me this and normally i'd ignore everything she says, but, i thought about it and she knows much more about girls then i do, so i have to listen to her. sometimes she has some good iedeas. sometimes.

so i said, "no, naima. i like erina nd you like shawn."

so then she goes, "if that's what you think, then you're as blind as a blind person" and gets up (DOESn"T EVEN PAY!) and leaves. So then i'm like, W"HAT? and get on my blackberry pearl [THANKS DAD!] andcall her. she sends it RIGHT to voicemail.

what a bit$h, right?

so, i' keep my cool like a gentlemen. and i send her like a super understanidng text: "Naima -- we should have a talk about this. meet at benches on cpw & 71??"

she texts back and says, "I was only joking you idiot. buy my lunch."

so I'm like, "hahaahhaa" ot myself.

but then she texts back ,"i do want to talk with you tomorrow night about something though and please don't ask erin till will talk. xx, Naima."

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO!???!?!?!?!

I honestly think Naima is pretty attractive (and that's at the top of my prioroties. that's not a bad thing, I know you think i'm super shallo, but i"m not. iti s important. i start with attraction (physical) and then i look for personality. because if i do it the other way, and i look for personality and i find an ugly girl whose like AWESOME but then i realize she's super ugly, I'm conflicted and stuck. it's btter to do it theo ther way around first -- this is just common sense and i know my mom would agree with me). but she's not the kind of attactiveness i'm attacted to like erin.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO!?!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

ps -- i told tyrone about this website and now i'm really f*(king woried he's ognna tell erin the address. i may have to move this blog to a new adddress. stay tuned, and i'll find a way to tell only my fateful readers the real address and i'll tell tyrone it moved to a fake adress, like www.splosian.com)

i can't sleep

i'm so itchy