Night of the Devil

Hello my young followers!! ;-)

2nite is DEVILS NIGHT. you know what that means!?!?

HI JINKS!

HI JINKS!

HI JINKS!

tonight is gonna be the best night of my life. i know it. first of all, naima and i have patched things up ever since i left her for alli. naima understood that iw as just trying to have more experiences even though she knows that we'll totally end up togher. i just need to sew some wild otes, as she says her mother says. which i thnk is exactly right. 

so naima is a HUGE prankster. its actually ridiculous. once i saw her just go thru the salad bars at whole foods in columbus circle and hjust EAT THINGS. also she told me she's smoked before.

TONIGHT we're GONNA dump GlASS down the garbage shoot. TONIGHT we're GONNA GO INTO THE PARK PAST CLOSING AND SHE HAS SOMETHING SECRET FOR US, SHE SAYS. I"M PRETTY SURE IT IS that HALF EMPTY BOTTLE OF MADEIRA SHE FOUND BEHIND THE TOILET IN HER FATHERS BATHROOM>

many of you asked how things went with bea. WELL. I decided to take my own girl advice and ignore her b/c thats the best way to force a girl to fall in love with you.


it's working b/c she hasn't contacted me yet and its been like 2 weeks!

I AM A FUTURE-TELLER!

Ummmmm............guess who is smarter than the FBI, CIA, NSA, & INTREPOL?

ME!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/28/world/asia/28intel.html?_r=1&hp

IF YOU WILL REMEMBER I PREDICTED THIS A WEEK AGO:

http://splosian.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-actually-tell-gurl-you-love-here.html

still, no one is giving me any credit. this is total bs

inside of every baby

is a secret

newest news(!)

first, i want to take this moment to congratulate me on having over 800 hits in just this one month. this is HUGE. imagine 800 people. now imagine 800 people reading my MIND. and only 2/3 of the hits are me hitting reload to see if pople are posting comments.

i want to beat oprah in terms of popularness. she is so smug. i know i can.

i'm starting a bookclub to compete with hers. here is my first book. i need everyone read it by november 15 and then i'll post what the book is really about for oyu to learn:

DAVE SPLOSIAN BOOK CLUB BOOK NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO

heres the NEWS!!!!

i found this email in my email box. this is it in transcyption:

"David, Nina P. told me you are the one writing the funny blog. Is this true? Will you write about me so that I know it is really you? xoBea."

SO FOR THOSE YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, BEA IS THE HOTTEST GIRL IN NEW YORK. SHE GOES TO SPENCE. I ONLY TALKED OT HER ONCE AND IT WAS IN A GROUP OF 4 OTHER PEOPLE AT A BAR MITZVAH.

SO HERE'S THE PROBLEM:

1. if i write her name in this blog, then she'll be so happy and impressed.

2. but if she reads it and knows I like her, then i could be embrassed if she knows its me and her feelings aren't reciprotocal.

WHAT DO I DO?>!>!>!

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT

stay tuned!

HOW TO [ACTUALLY!!!] TELL A GURL YOU LOVE HERE; PART 1

The blogosphere has been BLOWING UP over my recent SLAMDOWN of the wikihow entry on how to tell a girl that you are loving her.

first of all, i want to thank you (my fans) for supporting me and theis blog. if you like what you read SEND ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love to get money to spend on DRUGS!~!!!!! jk, i'm drug free b/c drugs are NOT cool and are responsible for the WARS IN AFGHANSITAN and IRAQ. i think the US should just BUY THE OPIUM FIELDS and then there won't be any more wars. plus then we'll own all this land in AFGAHANISTNA and IRAW wear they can bild resorts which will be awesome b/c they'll come with tons of FRFEEEE OPOUIM!

so here's how you tll a girl you like her.

first -- CLEAN YOURSELF! there is nothing girls hate more than a smelly boy. i shower about 3 times day and I brush my teeth between classes. i aalso swallow 4-6 altoilds like pills so that when i burp, i burp MINT. it actually works. i also fart mint.

NOTE: if you are an athelte like me (tennis!!!! what what!) girls like when your in you're uniform and have sweat on your body. it reminds them that we are all animals. so what i do is where my uniform and spray myself with this bottle of WHITE DIAMONDS perfume i found in my mom's closet. it gives me a glisten the grisl LOVE.

second -- pick out the girl you want to covet.

here are a checklist to help you choose the girl:

is the girl pretty? (yes / no)
is the girl rich? *(yes / sort of / no)
is the girl funny (no / no) hahaha!
is the girl nice to you (my last three girlfriends cheeted on me and that's NOT cool.) (yes / you think so but your not totally sure / no)
is the girl have a PENIS! (yes / no) HAHA. if you answer yes, you just kissed a BOY!
is the girl smart? (girls are smarter then boys. that's just a fact. they are also taller)
how old is the girl? (yes / no)

NOW . tally your answers. if you answered yes at least 5 times, you are in love. pick that girl and then you have to find a time when you can impress her.

SECRET: THE WORST YOU TREAT A GIRL, THE MORE SHE WILl FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

show her a little attention andf then sort of treat her like s#it. then sort of pretend your interested in her best freind. this will incerease the jealousy. a lot of jeaously is at the heart of every first relationship. FACT: my father's girlfriend is the most jealous person i ever met and i saw her throw a barstool at my dad once when he was giving this woman his phone number just because he wanted to see if his phone was broken. my dad's girlfriend is SO CUTE and is like 22, so that's proof right there.

ok, so by now youve probably touched the boob of her best friend.

what does it feel like ? (good / bad)
does she have a Penis? (THAT'S A BOY! AHAHHAHAA WQITH BOOBS!))!!!!)

ok. now comes the time when you have to do what's called a "GRAND GESTURE."

this may be like buying her something expensive or helping her to win her field hockey game or something.

she'll be all like, "He does care about me?"

NOW THE NEXT PART IS CRUCIAL!!!!!

when she tries to kiss you, say, "i'm sorry, but im not attracted to you."

this will lower her eseteems. then she is yours.

i want to say, RIGHT NOW, that i am NOT A SHOWVANIST!! i rote these theorys in ms. danton's class and turned it in for creative righting and she rote back that iw as a SHOWVANIST and i should treat women with respect and just be honest.

ms. danton is 53 and unmarried.

bingo.

(true her husband sdied last summer, but she's still unmarried and doesn't get what love is like these days)

i've had 6 girls break my heart since december. they can be so mean and sometimes you jsut need to fight back.

i think i need to go back on my meds.

anyway...

i right more thoughts to tomorrow. i gotta lie down for a while. if you want to

how to tell a girl you like her

my friend dan posted on my facebook this awesome step by step guide that is a template (sp?) for how to write a note to a girl and say I LIKE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

in case you cant telll and are a stupid, I"M BEING SARCASTIC. this is th WORST STEP BY STEP GUIDE I HAVE EVER READ. this is even worse then the step by sstep directions i read to try to digure out HOW TO MAKE MONEY: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Money

which was dum b/c all it talked about was strageies of economiy when i really want to know HOW TO MAKE IT. like with my laster printer.

i am a kid and i'm not gonna get in troubhle until i'm over 18. until then, i can print money and buy things with it.

don't think i'm a jerk. i'll buy stuff that iws way overpirced, like from the bodegas so i can get some vitamins juices for what they're reallyw orth – NOTHING

-----

here is my step-by-step BELIEFS on the step-by-setp guide on HOW TO TELL A GIRL YOU LIKE HER. my coments is in RED.

-------

CITE YOUR SOURCES!!!!!! [biblioblograhy}

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Love-Letter-to-a-Girl-You-Do-Not-Know

first of all, the title. 'a girl i do not know?"" if i don't know her, then how do i know i love her? i mean, i guess i honestly believe that there is someone out there for me who i'have not met yet but i will someday and it will be love at first site. i do believe in that. so ig uess the title is actually ok. i'd go back and delte what i wrote but i'm too lazy. :-p

STEPS:

1. Use some special paper, eg: handmade notepaper.

YEAH SURE. MAYBE IF I'M TRYING TO TELL A BOY THAT I LOVE HIM.

2. Find out the girl's name and write "Dear (insert name)" at the top of the page.

HOW DO I FIND THIS OUT? this has CATASTROPHY written ALL OVER IT. obvi the person who wrote this doesn't understand that no one says, "DEAR SOMEONE" anymore. you say, "HEY" or "WHAT'S UP" or "Listen: "

3. Talk about what you like about her and a little about yourself.

HEY STRANGER. I LIKE YOU BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR SMOOTH FACE AND YOUR THIN LITTLE HIPS. I THINK YOU MIGHT SMELL GOOD IF WE GAVE HUGS AND I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT TO A LUNCH WHERE WE COULD SIP SODA POPS GIMME A FU#KIN' BREAK!

4. Sign it "Love, (insert name here)", or leave it anonymous, giving strong hints as to who you are.

Again. IDIOT. I don't tell a girl i love her until the 4th date. you need to save some things till later or the girls will get tired of you super fast and then dump you. its happened to me for like the last 6 girls. it really sucks.

5. Try putting a picture of yourself in the card.

yeah. of your boner.

IDIOT.

6. Put it in something noticeable like a bright pink envelope, or something more discreet if you think she'll find it embarassing, and have a friend give it to her or put it in her locker. If you don't know what her locker number is, ask one of her friends.

bright pink envelope? DON"T YOU DARE PUT IT IN THE DARK PINK ENVELOPE OR SHE WILL THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO DEVOUR HER FLESH!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. If you're the confident type, find her, walk straight up to her and hand it to her with a smile. Don't talk too much to her.

walk up to her, don't talk, and hand her a letter you wrote to her. this has DISASTER WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. i can't think of anything creepier. well, i actually can think of laike 1000000 things creepier, but this is just a bad idea. this hole thing was obviously written by a nine year old girl who is home schooled.

Two of the warnings from the WIKI thing:

"

• Girls get suspicious very easily so be careful.
• You might be seen as CREEPY. It could be better to wait and have someone introduce you."

no coments nessesary!

---------------------------------

TOMORROW I WILL TELL YOU HOW TO ACTUALLY TELL A GIRL YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER!

OH S#IT here comes my teacher. i'm supposed to be researching MICRONESIA

THE INTERNET IS SO SLOW

THE SLOW INTERNET MAKES ME WANT TO HONESTLY MURDER A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!

i have so much important internet work to do and it is taking ike 5 minutes to load a yutube.

WHAT IS THIS? NETSCAPE AND LIKE WINDOWS 95!?

In 1995 I WAS a baby. even as a baby my internet was faster than this.

HONESTLY. to see how slow my interet is, clikc this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DBuk91phkI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DBuk91phkI&feature=related

oh s#it. it's fixed.

nevermind

FALCONRY

http://www.henfoldbirdsofprey.co.uk/Gallery/falcon_in_hood.jpg

is there no hope?

does anyone even read this blogg?

i went off my meds 3 days and i think i'm literally going to frown myself to death.

no one even notices that i'm so sad.

i write all tehse great posts and no one even tells me what car my dad should buy me or how i should get back together with Alli and now she's ditched me to hook up with Yuri from tel aviv.

when my mom gives me my paxil i feed it to damon (my dogg).

he is SO happy. this morning he was like smiling and staring at his relfection in the oven door.

but am i smiling?

NEVER. NOT EVEN WHEN I BRUSH MY TEETH.

I AM FROWNING WHILE I BRUSH MY TEETH.

this emoticon is how i feel:

;-(

it's the WINK / FROWN. very rare. but very accurate.

how i am learning to drive

fateful readers –

guess what I just got?

NO! it wasn't a bone-r. it was A DRIVERS PERMIT.

i am now totally aloud to drive a CAR as long as i have a lisensed driver next to me which i think is actually the stupiedest thing i've ever heard because what is a licened driver gonna do if i'm in trouble? like yell at me, "USE THE WIPER FLUID – QUICK!" or "DON'T HIT THAT OLD WOMAN! – QUICK!"

if i hit her, i hit her. i don't need someone yelling at me.

my dad siad that if i lose 15 pounds by thanksgiving he'll buy me a car. i'm going to do it. it won't be hard at all. i just will stop eatingl ike the week before and i'll get a haircut and also use the scale in the upstairs bathroom that is 4 pounds generous ever since i slammed with into the toilet seat.

my mom was all like, "YOU ARE NOT GETTING A CAR IN THE CITY. WHERE ARE OYU GOING TO PARK IT?" and i said, "IN A PARKING SPOT OBVI."

anyway, i told my dad that mom's cool with it and they don't talk ever since that time at my sisters piano recital, so i'm pretty sure i'll get the car wihtout a hasssle.

WHAT KIND OF CAR SHOULD I FORCE HIM TO GIVE ME?????