2010 – I Will Splos' Over You're Entire World

NEW YEARS RESTITUIONS:

1. death to my enemies


2. Hide they're bodies under the resevoir ice


3. Actually go to the botanical garden!! ;-)


4. Locate a switchblade and tape it to my sternum for the inevitable


5. Try that really hot sauce they have on the table at ollies(!!)


6. Tell those i care about just how much they mean to me


7. try to think more positive


8. Actually go the botntical garden in brooklyn


9. figure out a way to get that peace of glass out of my foot once and for all


10. Get a girlfriend that likes me as much as i like her.

See, this is my problem:

I pick out the girls I love but then they don't love me. Then the girls I don't love, love me. It's actually funny how much this happens. they change almost every day and I'm basically like, "ENOUGH!" I get it. I know I could get some of the really pretty ones if i bought them a la champs bag or something, or, like, took them out with the amex my dad gave me for emergencies and "a little wickedness now and then!" as he says. But, and honestly call me old -fashioned (I do think I'm an old soul!) but I think a girl should love you for who you are inside and outside. both of them. you should be attracted to the soul inside and also the shape of the face and body.

11. Cut off what i call half-friends. these are the people that want to eat lunch with me when i really only want to eat with dan or j.j. I'm gonna cut them out of my life so i have more time to talk about what dan and j.j. and me want to talk about – not what dumb s#!t tony always wants to mention. I DON"T CARE ABOUT PS2. I HONESTY DON'T CARE ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. Its so tupid. Why does he even like it? He's sitting and pushing buttons. That's almost as dumb as sports fans. Who cares? OH MAN, a group of millionaires form my city just did really well. I feel SUPERIOR then EVERYONE ELSE because I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and wasted like 90 bucks to sit one mile away from the millionaires. I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

12. try to be nicer to people.

screeners

so this year for christmas (hanukkah) my dad sent me 11 different academy screeners.

do you know what these are?

these are all the movies that are in theaters now but they send them to you on DVD so that you can watch them in you're underpants and than vote for the awards.

so...the peopel who get these are the poeple who already have so much money. its kinda funny when i see all these kids lined up outside AMC and their spending so much money and trying to sneak in using a granny ticket and its so sad b/c i have all these dvds on my bedspread that i dont even want to watch b/c i don't even like movies.

WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE CALLED UP IN THE AIR? about some guy who travels all the time and can't connect to any body? oh jesus. i WONDER what the journey of the movie will be. MAYBE. he'll learn to STAY IN ONE PLACE. and  then CONNECT WITH SOMEONE. id idn't watch it so don't think this is a spoiler. i don't know. but i don't care.

here's what makes a good movie:

1. heroic deeds

2. tough choices

3. fun locations (mountains, germany, etc.)

4. a little sexy fun (boobs, etc.)

5. what's called an ultimatum.

an ultimatum means that there are two things taht one person wants but he has to choose one or the other. so like, "I will kill your friend unless you give me the sack of plutonium." something like that.

there shoudl also be like a big cliff drop involved.

and an exploded helicopter.

anyway, all i wanted from my dad was for him to surprise me and take me to sarah beths for waffles. instead he's visiting his gf's family b/c it is her winter break from notre dame. 

 i don't even like movies. :(

Christmas in New York City

It's XMAS!! 

Today i was walking around and everyone was in such a good mood. Its totally amazing to see people smiling and kids laughing and feeling warm for once.

I went to 30 Rock (which is a real location) and they have a huge tree and all of these foreigners (people from all over america) come and take photos. They were so annoying. I could barely walk and had to walk in the street because they were so busy taking photos of themselves smiling in front of the tree.

Why do people smile in photos? So dumb. It's like, "Oh hey, I'm gonna smile and pretend the photographer caught me in a moment of happiness. Oh we're all so happy." Its total bs. I like old school photos where men and women didn't smile because it was more truthful. they new that everyone is mostly sad.

Also! I hate when people take photographs of public events (like obama inaguration) or of buildings, etc. I mean, there are altready a millino photofs of obama getting inagurated taken by PROFESSIONALS. why would they want to record it on they're cell phone camera? it is so dumb. why don't they LOOK at tit happening in person instead of watching it thru a tiny screen. defeats the purpose. its like whats called an oxymoron or irony.

anyway, today is the day when the jews eat chinese, so dana and mom and gram pips and i are gonna get some OLLIES and then go see a movie. it better not be IT'S COMPLICATED, even know i no my mom has a hard on for alec baldwin ever since she met him at a gala fundraiser for one of her charities.

i just hope my dad will call.

holiday gift idea

FOR THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS WHO HAVE 80 EARS

DRAFT ONE of my COLLEGE ESSAY – ARRIVES THIS WEEK

listen -- i know usually i'm like a humormachine and this blog, upper west splos' is a place the world clicks on just to get a little laughter in they're dark lives, but i need your help.

my dad is making me do my college essay early because he claims i'm, "you're an idiot. an actual idiot. i can't believe your my son." and he's sort of joking, so i had to start in advance. normally, my dad would jsut pay my cousin who goes to standford to rigth the essay for me, but i said that ir eally want t do it. some things in life you can absolutely get by paying for, but sometimes you just want to take the fair route so that you can look back on your life and say, "i mostly did it on my own."

SO -- i'm righting this essay on my own and then i hope you will all give me smart edits and ideas (i don't need jokes, i'm all set). and then, when it is perfect, i'll show it to my dad and i think it'll really be a great moment in our relationship.

form,
dave splosian
-------

today i ate

an entire meal while in the shower

here's how it happened:

i was LATE to get to a movie. i won't tell you what movie because it is maybe a little embarasing because it is about this guy who is so sad taht his kids dont care about him anymore but then they do at eh end. real big surprise, right? but my mom is kinda lonely since Guy left, and she said that i'm her 'man again.' so i took her out ot the movies and bought her a big popcorn using her credit card and i even held her hand during previews but i had to stop because ana was there with her boyfriend and i didn't want her to see me being a momas boy and i'm pretty sure she was impressed at how kind i was and could ssee that i was trying to make my mom feel like a woman so ana probably was thinking about me a little while her boyfriend was feeling her up.

SO.

i was coking these delicious lean pockets but i didnt want to miss previews b/c those are the best, so i decided to take it into the shower with me.

it was totall fine until i got the soap and the lean pocket mixed up and pushed it all around my torso for like 20 seconds.

ahah. but it was fine because i was IN THE SHOWER! so it washed almost all off right away. my torso smells a little like chicken and brocoocli.

i think im gonna set my mom up with my guydance counselor Alan.

I guess I'm Famous

Since I figured out how to put a counter on this blizzag in september, let's just say i've been sucking from teh tit of celebrity

ladys aned genteman, SPLOSIAN is about to pass 2000 UNIQUUE hits.

do you know what that means?

one hit for every year in the last MILLENIUM

that's like if everyone from christopher columbus to shakespeare to that guy who fought in the civil war oh yeah abe linconln haha to lazy to go back and delete to sharon stone have read this blog!

i would like to thank the academy of blogs for this great honor. i'm gonna celebrate by drinking a six pack of sqeezeits.

in other news, i've been working supe3r hard on my  college essay witch i'll be posting here super soon for your feedback and guidance. i've decided that i need to get into dartmouth or i'm honestly going tyo throw myself out the window onto CPW.

i'm also taking a big brake from girls. my guidance counselr ms. donahue syas that i'm "girl crazy" and that i should just focus on my studies for a bit. she said that when i can't focus bvecause i'm thinking about girls that i should just take a 'cold shower' and then she winked which was so creepy. why was she thinkint of me in the shower? looks like mss donahue doesn't have enough love in her life! hahahaha.

did you know that bagel bites cook like 9 times fast in the oven if you put the oven on "CLEAN"????