Instant Death

thanx for all the concerned emails and calls about the middle of the night visitor.

here's what happend-- I GOT KILLED.

dead of the night

shhh! it is the dead of the night!!

my internal clock is busted because i'vebeen stayin up so late. tomorrow i have my first tennis clinic. i'm kinda worried. ive actually played a lot of tennis, so i know all the rules. i got a great racquet today (with whats called an abrisasion grip??), a can of tennis balls (though they have them there -- these are jsut for me to practice and learn 'hot dogs', white shorts, white shirts, and special shoes that have a white bottom. why all teh white? i mean, the ball is basically yellow, so shouldn't the costumes be a color that yellow shows up on, like orange or brown?

damon is snoring. that dog is a moron. i hate animals that are 'domesticed" because they are out of there natural state, so they aren't 'real.' i prefer to see animals in the wild. today i saw a rat in the subway -- GET THIS -- EATING SUBWAY. someone had thrown down a 1/3 of a subway sandwich. it was called irony.

in my all white outfit, i look like an angel. O:°)

do you know how if you watch somethbing gagian and again you see deeper and deeper? ive now watched knocked up every night for 2 months. i'm only skipping 3 nights (and not because of the bar mitzvah --- i have it playing on my itouch). i have the whole thing memorized. it is actually a really deep movie -- the more i see it, the more i can undersstand. like -- its a movie about maturation. its about realizeing when yo uhave to step up and be a man (and its genius because they make that awful experience HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!). so it is suttle and like take a new look at gettin someone pregnant. 

i think if i were in ben stone's place, i wouldl do exactly the same. i would never get an abortion. 

its nice that its a political movie and shows that. i know that they may have done it because otherwise there would be no movie. like -- she's pregantn, let's go get rid of the baby, movies over in the first few minutes. they probably could have strung it out, like --

Ben: "I got her pregant."

Jay: "Oh no, man!"

Jonah, "Get the abortion".

Ben, "i'm not sure. maybe i'll go off in the woods and think about it."

so he could have like a self disvoery and then, at the end, decide it is best to make her do it. i'm not sure. sort of like what we were reading at the end of the year -- WALDEN POND by henry david longfellow mixed a little with HATCHET.

OH MY GOOD!!! THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE HALL OF OUR BUILDLING POUNDING ON OUR DOOR AT 2 AM!~!!!! OH SHITT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. I HAV ETO GO GET MOM. I'LL POST WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I 

buyers remorsion?

is dunlop good?

how i did it

i've gotten a lot of emails and comments from fatefulreaders wondering how exactly i convinced my dad to reschedule his meeetings so we could go tot he white house.

here's how:

I THREW A FIT

in behindsight, ifeel kinda bad. the meetings were important and i'm not a bush supporter at all (STOP THIS WAR RIGHT NOW!). so i don't care about meeting him whichwe would be doingf or foto oportuntities. still, it is sort of neat to meet the president. i met an older president named jimmy carter beacause i wenntto preschool with his grandson james who was like a year or two above me. he came one day and we got to ask him questions. i don't remember it at all, but i do have a foto with him. he seems really cool. he was president in the late 60s i'm pretty sure and had abig effort in ending the vietnam war, so its possible he'll be part of ending this current iudiottic war that is entirely about oil.

its important to find other sources of energy, so that the envinrment will be saved for me and my children.

HAHA, idon't have kids. I'm never gonnahave kids-- but i i do want clean air to breathe because i used ot have asthma and i dont want it to come back at all. i have enough problems.

CONGRATULATE ME!!!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS ARE ORDERED!

I, Dave Splosian, now have a SUMMER!

Fateful readers: this was my normal summer day:

1. Wake up at noon
2. Get out of bed at 1!!!!!!! hah a
3. BUNCHOLUNCH (usually go with my mom to some gay 'bistro' and have to hear about her friends remodling of there westchester house or how they cant get like hilights in there hair because it is a bad econony.
4. Afternoon -- either take damon for a walk in the park, go to riverside park where i'm trying to spend more time because i hate central park now that all the tourists are there playing like ultimate frissucks or drinking and then loking annoyed at me when i walk by with damon. don't they know the park is literally my front yard? do i go to their real houses and then open a mikes hard lemonade and wear sunglasses that make me look like a bug and play shi#y music (acoustic!) on an ipod loud enough for eveyrone to here?
5. NAP!!!!!!!!!!! (or algebra 2 on MF)
6. Dinner with naima or hopefully erin if she's back from east hampton (she gets back on monday -- MORE ON THIS LATER!!!)
7. wii
8. MORE WII
9. MORE MORE MORE WII
10. movie time with damon or maybe i'm gonna right a story like my dad says i should. he says that if i right a really good story he'll "PITCH" it to his friends and then maybe next summer i can come out to california and actually work on a story for hollywood films. i don't really want to be a righter, but you make like tons of money and get to hang out with famous people (id HAVE To bring naima) and at least id get to go somewhere cool instead of having to hang out all the time on 4 blocks of the upper west side of manFATTIN
11. DUNKAROOS (no joke, my mom started buying them again. i missed them and remind me of when i was young!)
12. late night movie with damon.
13. get in bed, snuggle in, and either do some special texts or just go to sleep with the window open so i can hear summer (except three nights ago when there weas some idiot julliard student who got so drunk and barfed literaly on our doorman so then the police came it was so loud i had to colose the window.


BUT NOW!!!!!!

I GOT INTO A TENNIS CLINIC that meets every afternoon in the park. This is perfect because i started to watch the a lot of tennis recently and i feel like i cold be awesome at it -- all you have to do is a perfect serve. if uo can do a perfect serve, that's all there is. because then thats called an ACE and the other person louses. so you jus have to do that like 4-5 times and you WIN.

i'll have to get some good backhands tho because then the other person serves and if he has a pefect ACE, that means our games will always be ties. (take THAT algebra 2!)

I start tomorow. its been going on for 2 weeks arldeay, so i'm joining late. mo m says that its no problem and GET THIS -- I don't need to do the tred mill while i'm doing tnenis!

WILL REPORT MORE LATER -- AM GOING WITH MMOM TO BUY TNNIS WHITES )hehe!) a new raquet, balls, ETC.

I LOVE SUMMER!

nevermind!

NEVERMIND!

White House is ON!

ps -- if anyone knows how to delete posts, lemme know!!

HATRED

I AM SO MAD!!! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! !!!

I HATE MY DAD!!!!!!!! F*K the TEN COMMANDMENTS -- HERE'S WHY:::

OK -- SO MY DAD IS A WRTER FOR A TV SHOW iN CALIFORNIA. I"M NOT SUPOSEd TO SAY WHICH ONE ON THE BLOG OR MY MOM WILL SHUT OFF THE ROUTER BUT I AM SO MAD I PROB ABLY WILL BY THE END OF THIS POIST BEFCAUSE I"M SO F8KING MAD!!!!!!!

HE AND MY MOM ARE SEPARTED RIGHT NOW AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME INTO THE CITY IN TWO WEEKSAND WE WERE GONNA TAKE THE ACELA TO DC TO SEE FIREWORKS BECAUSE HE CAN GET US ONTO THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN BECAUSE HE'S A VIP OR SOME BS.

IN MY LIFE -- DAD -- YOU ARE NO VIP. HERE'S WHY::::::::::

HEDOESN"T WANT TO GO TO DC ANYMORE!!! WE WERE GONNA GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE. IT WOULD HAVEBEEN MY FIRST TRIP TO DC and then I COULD HAVE CHCKED OFF DC AS YET ANOTHER OF THE 50 STATES I'VE BEEN TO SOI COULD MAKE MY RECORD OF SEEING ALL OF THEMBY THE TIME I GRADUATE FORM COLLEGIATE.

INSTEAD< he saidhe HAS TO GO TO A MEETING ON JULY 3 AND 5 in the CITY TO DO SOME BS CASTING FOR...NBC...OOPS! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO DAD???

SO HE DOESN"TWANT TO GO DOWN AND BACK iN THEDAY. I LOOKED UP THE SCHEDULES> IT IS POSSIBLE. THERE IS A REGIONAL THAT GETS IN THE REALLY EARLY ON THE 5th AND HE COULD TOTALLY MAKE HISMEETING. WE COULD SLEEP ON THE TRAIN. I TIS ONLY LIKE 5 HOURS AWAY. THIS IS BS. OR HE COULD JUST CHARTER A PLANE LIKE WE DID WHEN WE WENTTO VEGAS. THIS RIDIC.!!!

INSTEAD WE ARE GOING TO GO TO SOME STUPID PARTY AT SOME PRODUCERS PLAC EIN TEHDAKOTA. I NEEDTO GO TO THE DAKOTAAGAIN LIKE I NEEDA PUNCH IN THE STOMACK. THAT BUILDING IS SO STUPID AND THE PARTIES ARE BORING AS HELL AND IF I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT JON LENON OR LENZY BERNSTEEN AGAIN I"M GOING TO ACTUALLY MURDERMYSELF.

THIS IS SOCRAZY!!!! POST COMMENTS IF OYU HAVE IDEAS ABOUT HOW I CAN CONVINC EHIM!!!!

splinter!!

i have a splinter in my face.

i have no idea how it got there. it is basically on the part of the face where the face connects to the neck. its not like i have a wood pillow. this is the biggest mystery theres ever been.

i'm almostcertin its a splinter because i had one last week in my shin and thisfeels exactly the same. i try to see it in the mirror but when i turn my head to see the part of my face/neck, my eyes are too far away from the mirror. SO.

i took a picture of it with my new canon digital camera (8 meggapixholes). this camera is so amazing. its like super sharp so if you put thephoto into iphoto (and make sure yo hit 'autoclean' so that the resolution is fixed -- and it just looks much better automagically) you can zoom in and see like all the pours in yhour face. i feel like i need a beeora pour strip thats like a mask for my face (except eyebrows) so that i can pull out all the crap thats pestering deep inside my flesh.

OK -- so what does the foto say??

SPLINTER!!!!!!!

there is no way i could have like fallen onto a broken piece of wood in my sleep. here's what I think happened--

my dog damon (my idiot sister dana named him after the actor maat damon] was awake with me last night and we watched knocked up again. and i was lying on the floor to the den which is getting refinished and i guess there are like fibers of wood maybe. anyway damon and i were wrestling around, but here's the thing -- THE PART OF THE FLOOR WE WERE ROLLING ON WAS NOT BEING REFINISHED. it is just a NORMAL WOOD FLOOR.

how'd did i get a piece of wood in my neck? how will i get it out??

COMEBACK LATER AND WE'LL BOTH KNOW!!!!

hahahahaha

shhhhhhhhhhhnack

2 am

can't sleep. just ate 9 chips ahoy. why is new york so boring when your 14? why do none of my friends pick up they're phones?

knocked up is so funny

EXACTLY as EXPECTED

fateful readers:

the lunch was basically EXACTLY as i predicted, except suzette wasn't there. I assume she' sdead. haha. jk. my mo mtold she's actually recovering from a fall.

afterwards, my mom was totally gonna us go find green shorts for dana at theory or some bs but then i told her i had ot dump and she doesn't let me go #2 in public toilets so we got to take a cab back to the san remo, or as i like to call it -- the HELLAPAD -- BOOYAH!

mom was on a conference call for bear sterns as some bs was going down, so i got to play wii for like 45 minutes before algebra 2 tutoring.

by the way, i'm getting tutored, i'm not the tutor, though i totally could be as i'm understanding almost everything sheila is explaining. looks like i might be going to princeton after all -- take that DAD.

SO --- here's what i'm tinkgin for tonight --

1. Naima is hosting people over at her place up the street for harry potter on hbo. i might go, but i don't care about harry potter. first of all, if he's magical, he can just be like, 'I want dumbledore to DIE' and then his wish comes true. I know it's not dumbledore he wants dead -- i just forget the name of the bad guy because i didn't read the books for like fifty years ago.

2. OH SHIT -- VOLDEMORT. that's the name. dude, that guys is really scary, especially in the movie when he's played by the guy who's from The Patriot -- i think it's mel gibson? I'm not sure, I'm not good with hollywood trivia, but you should meet naima because she can name like everyone whose famous.

SIDENOTE -- how many famous people do you think there are in the world? more and more peple become famous every day. i know it's hard to measure bercause like a person naima knows i might not know. so let's just choose a random sample (haaha -- take THAT algebra 2!) of like 100 people. then, run past all the famous people in the world. how many of them would those 100 people know (the AVERAGE?). this is my guess -- i haven't testsed or revised yet -- but i THINK it is like 58,000.

3. I could stay in and play wii, but to tell yo uthe truth, i'm getting bored and mom won't let me uplink the tihng, so it's not really a challenge.

4. i might just go for a walk through the park. it's a really nice night and i love nature and just thinking aobut things.

5. mom wants to take me to see hamlet or something in the park. i want to see hamlet as much as i want a crayon pushed into my anus.

6. PARTYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!

DISASTER!!!!!

This is like a thermal disaster! (bet you didn't think i knew what that was!)

I have to go to lunc h with my mom and her friend suzette and andi. they are the WORST. suzette, if your reading this -- kill yourself.

this is always what happens --

they sit down and my mom orders a diet coke for both of us.

i mean one each, we don'tshare like 1970s soda shop dates!

then, she says i can order anything, but she's not telling the turht because i see she gets the low calorie senior citizen special menu from the waiters. and because she always brings me here, they kmnow to give it to me. and so i don't notice, they always sit us in an area wehre we can't seethe other menus and they all (andi, suzeshit, mom) use the low calorie ones and are all like, "oh, i'm so glad your son is overweight so i have an excuse and insentive to keep my diet going). UGH.

the food is so bad -- i always have to eat like salads and no french fries. show me a kid that wasn't raised on fries and didn't turn out to be gay?

exactly.

afterwards, i KNOW mom is gonna make me go to intermix to find clothes for danaa. i know it.

and i'm not supposed to compain because it si my mom's week to have me. bs!

also -- suzette -- kill yourself!!!

Jason Crap's Barmitzvah

FIRST POST suckaz.

Welcome to what is going to be the most hit website on the internet. This is the place where i'm gonna crack open my brain and like spill the brillance onto the screen of your computer till it leaks out into your desk.

BACKGROUND (AKA what ya need to know AKA rules of the game AKA FACTS)

My name is David Nelson Splosian. JK. My real last name is an absolute secret or my mom is gonna be a b*tch and shut off the wireless. So I had to pick a last name, or as mom says, as nom de plumb. So i pick SPLOSIAN because it is like EXPLOSIAN, but there's nothing "ex' about it because it's right here and RIGHT FREAKING NOW. I am...... DAVE SPLOSIAN!>

FIRST POST:

This past weekend my family and I had to go North Carolina for Jason Crap's Bar Mitzvah. His real name is CRAP. Honestle.

actualy, it's not. I'm not aloud to use last names on the web. But it should be because this kid is such an idiot. d

He knew almost none of the Hebrew words and was just like humming on the bimah. I mean, it was embarassing. and listen to this -- afterwards, he said tha t he got a WII and I'm like WHAT? I also have a WII, but I had to prove that it wouldn't get in the way of my weight loss plan and it DIDN"T because i still go ont he tred mill an hour BEFORE i play WII. ANYWAY -- this idiot got the WII just because of his bar mitzvah. this ridiculous. he was so bad. 

so you're probably wondering - WHY DID I GO TO THIS?

OK:

1. I had to.

2. I've never been to North Carolina before and I really love travlling. My plan is to make it to all 50 states before I graduate from Collegiate. 

3. These are the states i've been to: NEW YORK (obvi), North Carolina, Florida, California, Boston Massachusettes, Arkansas (sucks!!!!!!), Michigan, VEGAS FOR GRAMPA'S 75th, and probably a bunch more of the boring ones. I'm gonna get a list made and then make sure i don't miss any. The hard one is going to be alaska because my dad just went there for business and i'm sure he won't want to go back with me because of what happened when we went to vegas.

4. I HAD TO.

ANYWAY, Jason Crap is the son of my Dad's roommate from princeont. his Dad is actually really awesome. he writes for tv shows and wrote like ten episodes of BECKER. I never watched it but my dad gets the episodes on tape, so now i watch it sometimes on the tredmill and they're really funny. 

BY THE WAY -- the foto below is of my future wife (wife #1) KRISTIN BELL. i don't need words to describe her because she's just like...UGH!

At this point you're probably thinking -- yo SPLOSH, how did you get through such a dumb trip to North Carolina? Here's how--

MURDER!

jk, I didn't. but here's how:

while everyone was listening to all the talks about jason craps love of soccar (by the way -- he's awful. i know it.) i went outside. the best thing to do when things get boring is to ESCAPE. then i make up situations and live them out. 

PIZZAS HERE!