spring break is broken

so naima isn't talking to me.

we had plans to go on spring break somewhere cool.

her dad owns an island somewhere below florida or something and we were gonna go there for romance.

her dad shut that down pretty quick.

then i told naima i liked her because she reminded me of a boy.

now i have nothing.

my mom took away my 5 at a time netflix because she said i was becming a hermit.

i don't understand how i'm supposed to spend my time if my friends are always busy and my mom is at work.

i literally have nothing to do.

nothing.

last night i walked around our apartment seeing how long i could hold my breath

Dartmuth Essay #2

OK -- I'm am PI$$ED.


So my Dad said I could take a shot at writing my college essay before he had my cousin wellington at stanfard do it and i stayed up three nights in a row and wrote a really amazing essay that literally took me over 2 HOURS of writing. See: BLAG ABOUT ESSAY

Well GUESS WHAT POPPERS DID? 

He paid Wellington to write an essay for me anyway. My Dad fowarded it to me this morning and said i could make some changes so i could "feel some ownership" but he said he needed to appove them. WELL. I'm gonna do just that.


BELOW is the email w/ the original email from my dad.

BELOW that is the revised essay I just emailed back to him.

i have eaten 4 boxes of sour patch kids and now i literaly can't tell if i have a tounge anymore. honestly. it could be like halfway down my throat and i'm actually choking or maybe it is falling out of my mouth or something. i feel like i just licked a highway.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: DADSPLOSIAN
Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2010 at 6:27 AM
Subject: Your "Essay"
To: DAVESPLOSIAN@I'MFRICKININCREDIBLE.ORGASM

David,

I read your essay last night before bed. Audrey read it too. 

Is it an attempt at humor? A and I both think there is room to show your personality in the essay, but most of what you wrote is nonsensical and doesn't pertain to anything pertinent to an appropriate college application essay. 

Again, I don't think it is a good idea to have your heart set so firmly on Dartmouth. While I loved my time there, there are "other fish in the sea," as they say and I think you should start to investigate other possibilities – use the laptop A and I gave you for Hanukkah. Click around websites. Take charge! 

Yes, I will be making the large donation at my reunion this year – but that is NO GUARANTEE. My accountant's daughter applied to Penn and though he donated 12 squash courts, she was waitlisted.  

Below is a better essay written by your cousin Wellington. You may make some edits so that it feels personal. 

Love,

Dad (+Audrey!)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: WELLINGTONSUX 
Date: Sun, Feb 5, 2010 at 4:41 AM
Subject: Essay for Cousin D
To: DADSPLOSIAN@dreamworks.com

Hi Uncle REDACTED,

Enclosed is my first stab at an essay for Cousin Dave. I tried to remember some things he liked to do since he didn't reply to the survey I sent him last week.

I've attached it as a PDF in case you don't have the new version of Word and can't access .docx.

I'm so happy that you and Adrian are thinking of coming up to hear our Winter Concert. I don't know if you've actually ever heard me play the flugelhorn, but it should be a good concert – some cool pieces and will be a brief concert (only 3hrs). Of course, I totally understand if you guys can't make it.

And,  of course, thanks for the generous check. I really appreciate it. And NO I won't be spending it on beer, like you wrote on the memo -- hahaha. I actually don't drink and neither does my boyfriend.

With love,

Wellington

---------------------------------------------------

This past summer, I decided to take a chance.

With only the money I made raking leaves and shoveling snow, I took off for a trip backpacking across Europe. What I hoped I'd find was an adventure. What I actually found, well, where should I start?

Wheels down in Berlin.

There was a youth hostel I heard about on a travel website. Yet, when my taxicab pulled up, it had been converted into a Subway Sandwich Restaurant (are these EVERYWHERE?). 

By the time I had figured this out, my taxicab was gone and it began to rain. Lost in Berlin, well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! So, I walked for a few minutes, seeing huddling couples under single umbrellas – a stray grey dog who looked ever sorrier than I – and I finally stumbled onto a hostel near the Volkspark Friederichshain. 

Inside was a blind man who I'd eventually come to know as my best friend in Germany. He asked if I wanted a room. Of course, I didn't know that's what he was saying, since he was screaming at me in German!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

--------------------------------------------------------

OK. I couldn't even paste the rest. THAT ESSAY SUCKED!!!!!!!!

1. I've never been to Germany

2. He just made all that stuff up. If I'm gonna lie, i might as well say I did something good like volunteering or making an iphone app for homeless people or something.

3. Wellington's jokes are TERRIBLE. He doens't understand sofisticated humor. A joke about SUBWAY? gimme a BREAK!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:DAVESPLOSIAN@I'MFRICKININCREDIBLE.ORGASM

Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2010 at 11:56 PM
Subject: RE: Your "Essay"
To: DADSPLOSIAN 

dad,

i cannot believe that you think welly's essay is good. its total bs and my essay about how hard it is grow up jewish in nyc is so much better.

why don't you believe in me?

and stop talking about audrey. i really can't stand her. she's 19 years old and its sort of creepy. i should honestly be like hooking up with her, not you.

below is welly's essay made with a few changes. these are non-negotable.

from,

david SPLOSIAN

------------------------------------------------------

This past summer, I decided to take a dump.

With only the money I made having sex with the elderly, I took off for a trip backpacking across my big butt. What I hoped I'd find was an adventure. What I actually found, well, where should I start?

Wheels down in my butt.

There was a youth hostel I heard about on a travel website. Yet, when my taxicab pulled up my butt, it had been converted into a Subway Sandwich Restaurant (are these EVERYWHERE? AND ISN'T IT NUTS THAT MY BUTT IS NOW A SUBWAY????????????). 

By the time I had figured this out, my taxicab was gone and it began to BLEED. Lost in MY BUTT, well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! So, I walked for a few minutes, seeing huddling couples Taking Bites out of the thigh of an ACTUAL DEAD ANGEL – a stray grey dog who looked CLEVER – and I finally stumbled onto a hostel near the TAINT. 

Inside was a blind man who I'd eventually come to know as my best friend in TAINTSVILLE. He asked if I wanted a room. Of course, I didn't know that's what he was saying, since he was screaming at me in POOP!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>