My College Essay (DRAFT 1)

pre-face: hello fateful readers. i first have got 2 say that my heart is BURSTING WITH LOVE for all of you. in just a couple of months this readership has gone from 2 (me and my mom to make sure I wasn't posting our real last name) up to basically 3000! this is so nuts, especially considering i only have 152 facebook friends and most of them are my sister danas from college b/c she did it as a joke but i'm keeping them all b/c some of them are actually super hot (i like 27 year olds!).

ANYWAY – as you all no, my dad is letting me take a shot at righting my college essay before he just has my cousin wellington at standford do it.

So here it goes.

AGAIN – please please PLEASE leave me comments and edits. i'm talking speling errors, i'm talking helping verbs and things like that – help me with FLOW - um, i don't need any joke help so don't even try b/c i'm like one of those people who understands humour so well that when i here it, i don't even laugh. ij ust nod and go "that's funny."

my dad calls me his "little paul reiser"

whoever the f@©K that is.

ok. without further adulations:

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FOREVER THE OUTSIDER
A College Admittance Application Essay
Dartmouth College (My First Choice : - )
by David Kelsey SPLOSIAN

"Jewish, Jewish, that kid is JEWISH," I heard the boys shout.

I was sitting in Hebrew School on 82nd and Columbus (NYC, NY), singing this song my Hebrew School Teacher Ralph Levinstein wrote about Jewish Pride, where we point to each other and sing, "That kid is Jewish, that kid is etc."

And then, without thinking it, a thought splattered inside my skull: "Why am I at a school that is just for Jewish people? Isn't that racist?"

Here's is my normal morning:

Get up. Get back in bed. Get up. Get back in bed. Shower. Get back in bed. Eggo (sometimes toaster strudel). Call my mom and say 'good morning." Get dressed. Maria drops me off at Collegiate in our BMW.

Is there no spirituality?

I consider myself one with nature. I have been a founding member of the Strollers. NO – it's not what you throw a baby in because they're too small to walk and if they tried they'd stepped on and crushed to death. I'm talking bout STROLLING through central park. I love nature so much.

I watched a movie called AVATAR where God lives inside of an enormous tree, like the Berenstein bears. I don't think this is far off from the truth.

Plus, berenstein? those are jewish bears.

The problem with kids today is that they're always hunching over, typing into they're blackberries and iphones – I'm talking CHATS and TEXTS and EMAILS and CALLS and etc. We are disconnected. We are what is called 'disassociated." I see my friends trying to look so sad all the time. Frowning intentionally. Being cool and so forth. But when they send texts, they're all like, "AHAHAHAHAHAA LOL" – i'm talking capitol letters, happiness, etc. Why can they only express emotion in words? When did it become un-cool to be spiritual?

I'm not a hippy or hipster. I'm just a kid. Like you were a long time ago. Think back. Reach far, far back into your past. WAAAAAAAY BACK.

Now.

Do you remember, Darthmouth?

Do you remember when you were 15?

The world was a scary place, right? You didn't know what your future lay in store. You thought, "OH JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO CHOOSE MY CAREER RIGHTNOW RIGHTNOW!"

BUt let me ask you a question? Did you think, back when you were 15 and in my shoes (simile), "When I grow up I want to be a Dartmouth College Admissions Executive?" Of course not.

Who would want that?

No, you thought, "Fireman/firewoman" and "Movie star" and, I dunno what people wanted to be in the 1940s, probably like "Astropilots" or crazy things like "A COMPUTER" because you didn't even know then that computers can't also be people.

Anyway. YOu were also spiritual. You prayed every day.

Now look at us?

We text, we watch the Gossip Girls, we get so mad when Lenny's is out of half-sour pickles. In the past, jsut to have enough money to eat once a week was like a spiritual miracle.

I understand this.

[oops, almost at word count limit!]

I am intrested in Dartmouth's lacrosse JV team, newspaper, jewelry making club, world music percussion ensemble, and dorm life rep.

Thank you for considering my application.

With respect,
David Kelsey REDACTED – DAVID – DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN! – love mom