Splosian – A Poet for a New Century

I think i found my calling.

First I thought it was as a tennis player but the fateful readers will know how THAT turned out. you can only lose so many times to kids from the lower school before your all like, "ok, enough. i'm going to pinkberry"

Then i thought i was gonna be a "Lothario" as my father calls it, but it turns out i have a lot to learn about how to make girls happy.

so – i'm going to just sort of forget about any sort of life that involves other people and just spend all my time in my bedroom and put down my emotions in words.

I'm trying to be part of the collegiate verse club.

i've never written poetry before (except like knock knock jokes) but I'm giong to love it because their are no right answers and i can just attach my pen to my heart and see what it scribbles.

this is my first ever poem. keep in mind they wil improve over time:

TO BE A SAILOR WITHOUT A SEA
by D.K. Splosian (so i can be like ts eliottt)

Bring me the ale – and tie up the wench!
A sailor am I, a sailor am I.
The mast is a tree and a tree isn't in the ocean
But a sailor am I, a sailor am I.

I am the Columbus of Columbus Avenue
Pulling my ship down the river of Riverside
Where will I drop anchor – I here you cry?

Why – At Big Nicks!
In that good Mexican place on 83rd and Amsterdam
At Barney Greengrlass!
At Intermix to get that haltertop for Naima she won't shut up about

I am a Sailor!
A drift without a crew
sailing with a boat
saioling on my comforter
with my belly in the feathers
and my mother yelling into her blackberry about fiduciary expenditures
and i will go to sleep when i want to!
and id ont' want to visit my cousins in larchmont!
I AM A SAILLOR
I WANT TO DROWN IN THE OCEAN OF MY CONFUSION

for a sailor was i, a sailor was i

thanks for all the cards

i'm feeling better

they're lettting me out on tuesday apparently

id on't know why i did that

really stupid

4000 hits

that was fast

i don't understand why i'm so popular online but none of the last 19 calls to my friends, every single one went to voicemail

i dont understand

why when i call my 4 best friends none of them pick up

or respond to texts

are they all in the same movie w/o me?

Oh hey there I'm a girl

Oh hey there i'm a girl

i live in new york city

i where tight dark jeans

i where big boots

i where a long black puffy jacket with rat around the hood

i where stupid thick glasses

i only eat salads but also MILANOS

i where big stupid headphones and walk around

i send texts on the subway even though i know you can't get reception

i where stupid plad shirts liek i'm a cowboy even though i go to brearly wear there are no cowboys

i don't smile back at dave when he gives me a big smile

i think i'm so much better than dave splosian



i can't wait till i'm older and i own like clear channel

if a splosian falls in a forrest and no one can here it, does it make an explosion?

i'm starting to think that all 3000+ hits on my blogg are just people in korea who are googling 'dartmouth'

hahahhaaaa

tell u laterrr

HOLYCRAP

so our building has a trash room

and i had never been down there b/c the staff always takes out hour garbage

BUTT

i accidentally forgot to get off the elvator and some eles's made was dropping off this big bag of crap and THIS ROOM IS AMAZING!!!!!

its HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!

A

i want to live in it.

B

it doesn't even smell.

C

it's HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE

D

and people throw out AWESOME stuff.

This is just some of the things I found:

1. a 32# flat screen television (the sound still works!)

2. CLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHES – i'm talking a tux jacket, cool shoes(!) (i think from the second world war), this nice apron with ebmrodiery (sp?), a hilarious skirt i look hilarious in, also – MOPS!

3. i found a 6pack of miller high life – with 3 bottles still INTACT! i now have them taped to the underside of my desk!

4. a rolly cahir with 1 bad wheel. it is SO FUNN. the place is SO BIG that i jsut squirt around on the chair and knock into the trash cans and it's HILARIOUS

5. i brought my puppyboy DAMON down with me and he went FU%KING NUTS! started to rip into s#it and stuff. i loved it.

i'm gonna start spending much more time in the garbage room

My College Essay (DRAFT 1)

pre-face: hello fateful readers. i first have got 2 say that my heart is BURSTING WITH LOVE for all of you. in just a couple of months this readership has gone from 2 (me and my mom to make sure I wasn't posting our real last name) up to basically 3000! this is so nuts, especially considering i only have 152 facebook friends and most of them are my sister danas from college b/c she did it as a joke but i'm keeping them all b/c some of them are actually super hot (i like 27 year olds!).

ANYWAY – as you all no, my dad is letting me take a shot at righting my college essay before he just has my cousin wellington at standford do it.

So here it goes.

AGAIN – please please PLEASE leave me comments and edits. i'm talking speling errors, i'm talking helping verbs and things like that – help me with FLOW - um, i don't need any joke help so don't even try b/c i'm like one of those people who understands humour so well that when i here it, i don't even laugh. ij ust nod and go "that's funny."

my dad calls me his "little paul reiser"

whoever the f@©K that is.

ok. without further adulations:

_________________________________________________

FOREVER THE OUTSIDER
A College Admittance Application Essay
Dartmouth College (My First Choice : - )
by David Kelsey SPLOSIAN

"Jewish, Jewish, that kid is JEWISH," I heard the boys shout.

I was sitting in Hebrew School on 82nd and Columbus (NYC, NY), singing this song my Hebrew School Teacher Ralph Levinstein wrote about Jewish Pride, where we point to each other and sing, "That kid is Jewish, that kid is etc."

And then, without thinking it, a thought splattered inside my skull: "Why am I at a school that is just for Jewish people? Isn't that racist?"

Here's is my normal morning:

Get up. Get back in bed. Get up. Get back in bed. Shower. Get back in bed. Eggo (sometimes toaster strudel). Call my mom and say 'good morning." Get dressed. Maria drops me off at Collegiate in our BMW.

Is there no spirituality?

I consider myself one with nature. I have been a founding member of the Strollers. NO – it's not what you throw a baby in because they're too small to walk and if they tried they'd stepped on and crushed to death. I'm talking bout STROLLING through central park. I love nature so much.

I watched a movie called AVATAR where God lives inside of an enormous tree, like the Berenstein bears. I don't think this is far off from the truth.

Plus, berenstein? those are jewish bears.

The problem with kids today is that they're always hunching over, typing into they're blackberries and iphones – I'm talking CHATS and TEXTS and EMAILS and CALLS and etc. We are disconnected. We are what is called 'disassociated." I see my friends trying to look so sad all the time. Frowning intentionally. Being cool and so forth. But when they send texts, they're all like, "AHAHAHAHAHAA LOL" – i'm talking capitol letters, happiness, etc. Why can they only express emotion in words? When did it become un-cool to be spiritual?

I'm not a hippy or hipster. I'm just a kid. Like you were a long time ago. Think back. Reach far, far back into your past. WAAAAAAAY BACK.

Now.

Do you remember, Darthmouth?

Do you remember when you were 15?

The world was a scary place, right? You didn't know what your future lay in store. You thought, "OH JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO CHOOSE MY CAREER RIGHTNOW RIGHTNOW!"

BUt let me ask you a question? Did you think, back when you were 15 and in my shoes (simile), "When I grow up I want to be a Dartmouth College Admissions Executive?" Of course not.

Who would want that?

No, you thought, "Fireman/firewoman" and "Movie star" and, I dunno what people wanted to be in the 1940s, probably like "Astropilots" or crazy things like "A COMPUTER" because you didn't even know then that computers can't also be people.

Anyway. YOu were also spiritual. You prayed every day.

Now look at us?

We text, we watch the Gossip Girls, we get so mad when Lenny's is out of half-sour pickles. In the past, jsut to have enough money to eat once a week was like a spiritual miracle.

I understand this.

[oops, almost at word count limit!]

I am intrested in Dartmouth's lacrosse JV team, newspaper, jewelry making club, world music percussion ensemble, and dorm life rep.

Thank you for considering my application.

With respect,
David Kelsey REDACTED – DAVID – DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN! – love mom