WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR COUNTRY

so excuse me for blowing open this bag of secrecy: but I think I have located the perfect bottle of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH AMERICA:

ever here of the NEW YORK TIMES?

well: there is not thing WRONG with the NEW YORK TIMES Per SAY.

BUTT!

take a looksee at the front page online.

there's this box named: MOST EMAILED

for those of you who don't understand internet: most emailed means: the articles on the NEW YORK TIMES website that are most emailed to relatives.

WELL.

there is so much crazy shit happening in this world. drugs and sickness and starvation and war and hatreds and global warming and sexting.

yet --- this is basically what the top 10 articles ALWAYS ARE:

MOST EMAILED LINKS:

1. How to make the best scrumptious pancakes!
2. Are the SAT's the right method to figure out if kids belong at YaleHarvardPrinceton?
3. Julia Roberts: Choosing her projects case-by-case
4. Ten minute meals by Mario Battalllli
5. How to redecorate your home on a budget!
6. Opinion: Facebook -- does it make our kiddies dumbos?
7. Massive explosion in Baghdad. Ten billion ten.
8. Carry-out food --- is it cheaper than cooking?
9. Opinion: Are girls better than boys?
10. BOOGERS

Ok.

SOOOO.

What do we learn?

NUMBER SEVEN IS THE HUGE EXPLOSION

Americans don't care about anything because they are disconnected, unaffacted, and lazy

as long as tv is all like< "liz lemon loves to eat food but she's still so thin!" then we'll never be like, "Congress! send prescription medications to the africans!"



i mean, this is for the older people to deal with. people that spend all they're time buying linenes.

i just need to graduate and find a girl with who i can have some cool 'firsts.'

we need a call to action.

i am that call.

and i am a 1-800 number

SPLOS-OUT!

weird texts

so i've had quiet a night...

everything was supernormal, i was jsut watching this adam sandler marathon on encore hd on demand. some of them were ok. my dad was involved because he REDACTED this one call punch drunk love thats about a lonely guy who does this funny thing with puddings and you get so sad that you want the movie to end which it does but its also deep because there are these fast drums and his 'weird quality' is that he beats the crap out of objects and can't control himself.

anyway, so i get this text on my iphone from an unkown number:

"wat u up 2"

so i'm like, "whos this (new phone!)"

which is a really clever way of finding out who is texting you from an unknown number if you don't know they're number.

i don't have a new phone. i actually have a first iphone (like the really ancient one with the silver back that cant even do video~!!). but the person doesnt know this or even if its a friend of mine, i can then be like, "sorry man, didn't know this was your number. i use that strategy to keep losers away"

failproof!

anyway, i get back "jess!"

and I'm like...(2 myself), JESS? is jess a girl or boy? i dunno any jess.

so i rack up my brains and am like JESS JESS JESS JESS JESS.

!

then i remembered that i met this younger sister of my sister danas friend @ this weird brunch my mom made my sister drag me to at sarabeths.

jess! she was like ACTUALLY REALLY CUTE and had these stupid big glasses like a hipster but it actualy didnt bother me.

shes a freshman at brearely

we sat far away and i only talked to her for like 2 secs by the bathroom while her sister was having her period

anyway -- i'm like, "hey! how'd you get my #?"

and she goes, "my sis. what u doin tonight?"

i didn't respond because now i'm playing hard to get.

i hope she doesn't read my bloggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!

a new poem by david hawtorn splosian

without asking for permission
and without asking for extension
i solidly placed my two feet on the edge of the diving board

the wind lapped at my sides
like the tongue of a dog
and i noticed my toenail was of unusual length

a girl, who must not be named, sat in a lounge chair
her famously dark hair pulled to one side
her nose was firmly laced to a book
the depth, of which, was far beyond her ken

so i trusted that her obvious (but felonious) show of intelligence
was merely the guise of watching my arc
i made the decision to plummet into the early spring depths

with half a sole over the chasm
and while placing my better judgement in a locked cellar
i stole a glance down at my reclining Everything

a page turned and a wisp of hair was tucked behind
how i screamed a deafening silence at her
look up
notice
finally understand

but instead, i felt the chill
and i remembered my sunken chest
the three and a half hairs fluttering in the spring nascence

and i bid myself, "RETREAT! RETREAT!"
like a soldier in a war that he knows he must sacrifice himself for pride,
but, instead, remembers that there will always be wars
and he has a love of warm food and tuneful music,
and a girl back home
and so he runs from the gunfire

and similarly i slunk down the turquoise painted ladder
the dry skin of my feet rippling back like curtains
and i padded across the cement
and past her readerly stare
and sat, alone on a step, listening to a far away bass beat
pound out my childhood from a car in the parking lot

BIG NEWS

my sister DANA is ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!

DAVE SPLOSIANS ACADEMY AWARDS

hey i'm a celebrity. let's get the whole world to watch us give awards to each other.


oh man, i was just in a really serious movie based on a true story. i am the best pretender of all time. give me a statue of a gold man to honor how well i pretend to be someone who actually did something wonderful


ohhhh! what am i whereing tonight??? is it a tuxedo? is it a dress? who makes it? how mcuh does it cost? what the crap is SHE!!! whereing tonight??? is she a FREAKING ANIMAL? why is she whereing THAT? does she not have a thought in her head? even I UNDERSTAND FASHION BETTER THAN THAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. pass me the pizza – SHUT THE HELL UP JASON!!!! I"M WATCHING BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WIN AWARDS. NOW GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM. I DON"T KNOW WHY I BOUGHT YOU THOSE NINTENDO WIIS IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PLAY THEM ALONE IN YOUR ROOM!


now lets do a million dances!!!


some jokes!


hahahaha. oh STEVE MARTIN! you STILL have it! really nice joke! [DID HE COME UP WITH THAT ON THE SPOT???????]

now for the real awards:

BEST HORSE IN A MOVIE:

Joshua Horse

BEST FOOD IN A MOVIE SCENE:

pasta

BEST ACTOR IN A BACKGROUND SCENE:

Linda Freedmont, Portsmouth, NH

BEST USE OF THE WORD "AND":

The Hurt Locker

OH SHIT! DID A BVUNCH OF CELEBRITIES DIE? NOW LETS SHOW THEY"RE FACES SO THAT PEOPLE AT HOME CAN SAY< "OH SHIT I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS DEAD?? ? WHEN DID HE DIE, HUSBAND??/ I NEVER HEARD THAT????!!!!! HOLY SHIT!! HE"S DEAD?"


FORMULA FOR A HIT FILM:


Ingredients:


4 beautiful celebrities playing poor people
1 fatal disease
3 exotic location / alley
1 thing that americans can't possibily understand fully so they appreciate it like its magic or something: math, science, wine, tornados
3 boobs
8 songs by radiohead

-----

a gazillion people are dying a year, from old age and other reasons

let's get our priorities strate, america

maybe before we give each other awards, we should remember how beautiful, fragile, and precious each moment is.

we should be filming our own lives and giving awards to each other to say, "hey friend, i really appreciate you in my life"

JK!!!!

ps -- my dad won an oscar TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

driver's license

i want to git my driver's license but my mom says there is no reason

she says i'm supposed to take a cab everywear because of the bombs on the subway

i told my mom that there could also be a bomb on the cab

so now my mom says i can't go anywhere

i explained that if i had a car, i can control where the bombs are.

if there are bombs in my car, that means i'm suicidal, andi need to go back on lexepro.

my mom then decided to put me on lexepro because i talked about suicide

so i guess i can't get a car

the last thing i need is to stay in my apartment building and play in the trash room while my friends have all these exciting 'firsts'

whatever.

i hate movies
i hate to read
i hate everything except my puppyboy damon but i'm pretty sure he can tell i'm desperate for fun

even he avoids me

OH SHITTTTTT GOLDEN EYE IS ON TBSQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spring break is broken

so naima isn't talking to me.

we had plans to go on spring break somewhere cool.

her dad owns an island somewhere below florida or something and we were gonna go there for romance.

her dad shut that down pretty quick.

then i told naima i liked her because she reminded me of a boy.

now i have nothing.

my mom took away my 5 at a time netflix because she said i was becming a hermit.

i don't understand how i'm supposed to spend my time if my friends are always busy and my mom is at work.

i literally have nothing to do.

nothing.

last night i walked around our apartment seeing how long i could hold my breath

Dartmuth Essay #2

OK -- I'm am PI$$ED.


So my Dad said I could take a shot at writing my college essay before he had my cousin wellington at stanfard do it and i stayed up three nights in a row and wrote a really amazing essay that literally took me over 2 HOURS of writing. See: BLAG ABOUT ESSAY

Well GUESS WHAT POPPERS DID? 

He paid Wellington to write an essay for me anyway. My Dad fowarded it to me this morning and said i could make some changes so i could "feel some ownership" but he said he needed to appove them. WELL. I'm gonna do just that.


BELOW is the email w/ the original email from my dad.

BELOW that is the revised essay I just emailed back to him.

i have eaten 4 boxes of sour patch kids and now i literaly can't tell if i have a tounge anymore. honestly. it could be like halfway down my throat and i'm actually choking or maybe it is falling out of my mouth or something. i feel like i just licked a highway.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: DADSPLOSIAN
Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2010 at 6:27 AM
Subject: Your "Essay"
To: DAVESPLOSIAN@I'MFRICKININCREDIBLE.ORGASM

David,

I read your essay last night before bed. Audrey read it too. 

Is it an attempt at humor? A and I both think there is room to show your personality in the essay, but most of what you wrote is nonsensical and doesn't pertain to anything pertinent to an appropriate college application essay. 

Again, I don't think it is a good idea to have your heart set so firmly on Dartmouth. While I loved my time there, there are "other fish in the sea," as they say and I think you should start to investigate other possibilities – use the laptop A and I gave you for Hanukkah. Click around websites. Take charge! 

Yes, I will be making the large donation at my reunion this year – but that is NO GUARANTEE. My accountant's daughter applied to Penn and though he donated 12 squash courts, she was waitlisted.  

Below is a better essay written by your cousin Wellington. You may make some edits so that it feels personal. 

Love,

Dad (+Audrey!)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: WELLINGTONSUX 
Date: Sun, Feb 5, 2010 at 4:41 AM
Subject: Essay for Cousin D
To: DADSPLOSIAN@dreamworks.com

Hi Uncle REDACTED,

Enclosed is my first stab at an essay for Cousin Dave. I tried to remember some things he liked to do since he didn't reply to the survey I sent him last week.

I've attached it as a PDF in case you don't have the new version of Word and can't access .docx.

I'm so happy that you and Adrian are thinking of coming up to hear our Winter Concert. I don't know if you've actually ever heard me play the flugelhorn, but it should be a good concert – some cool pieces and will be a brief concert (only 3hrs). Of course, I totally understand if you guys can't make it.

And,  of course, thanks for the generous check. I really appreciate it. And NO I won't be spending it on beer, like you wrote on the memo -- hahaha. I actually don't drink and neither does my boyfriend.

With love,

Wellington

---------------------------------------------------

This past summer, I decided to take a chance.

With only the money I made raking leaves and shoveling snow, I took off for a trip backpacking across Europe. What I hoped I'd find was an adventure. What I actually found, well, where should I start?

Wheels down in Berlin.

There was a youth hostel I heard about on a travel website. Yet, when my taxicab pulled up, it had been converted into a Subway Sandwich Restaurant (are these EVERYWHERE?). 

By the time I had figured this out, my taxicab was gone and it began to rain. Lost in Berlin, well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! So, I walked for a few minutes, seeing huddling couples under single umbrellas – a stray grey dog who looked ever sorrier than I – and I finally stumbled onto a hostel near the Volkspark Friederichshain. 

Inside was a blind man who I'd eventually come to know as my best friend in Germany. He asked if I wanted a room. Of course, I didn't know that's what he was saying, since he was screaming at me in German!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

--------------------------------------------------------

OK. I couldn't even paste the rest. THAT ESSAY SUCKED!!!!!!!!

1. I've never been to Germany

2. He just made all that stuff up. If I'm gonna lie, i might as well say I did something good like volunteering or making an iphone app for homeless people or something.

3. Wellington's jokes are TERRIBLE. He doens't understand sofisticated humor. A joke about SUBWAY? gimme a BREAK!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:DAVESPLOSIAN@I'MFRICKININCREDIBLE.ORGASM

Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2010 at 11:56 PM
Subject: RE: Your "Essay"
To: DADSPLOSIAN 

dad,

i cannot believe that you think welly's essay is good. its total bs and my essay about how hard it is grow up jewish in nyc is so much better.

why don't you believe in me?

and stop talking about audrey. i really can't stand her. she's 19 years old and its sort of creepy. i should honestly be like hooking up with her, not you.

below is welly's essay made with a few changes. these are non-negotable.

from,

david SPLOSIAN

------------------------------------------------------

This past summer, I decided to take a dump.

With only the money I made having sex with the elderly, I took off for a trip backpacking across my big butt. What I hoped I'd find was an adventure. What I actually found, well, where should I start?

Wheels down in my butt.

There was a youth hostel I heard about on a travel website. Yet, when my taxicab pulled up my butt, it had been converted into a Subway Sandwich Restaurant (are these EVERYWHERE? AND ISN'T IT NUTS THAT MY BUTT IS NOW A SUBWAY????????????). 

By the time I had figured this out, my taxicab was gone and it began to BLEED. Lost in MY BUTT, well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! So, I walked for a few minutes, seeing huddling couples Taking Bites out of the thigh of an ACTUAL DEAD ANGEL – a stray grey dog who looked CLEVER – and I finally stumbled onto a hostel near the TAINT. 

Inside was a blind man who I'd eventually come to know as my best friend in TAINTSVILLE. He asked if I wanted a room. Of course, I didn't know that's what he was saying, since he was screaming at me in POOP!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Splosian – A Poet for a New Century

I think i found my calling.

First I thought it was as a tennis player but the fateful readers will know how THAT turned out. you can only lose so many times to kids from the lower school before your all like, "ok, enough. i'm going to pinkberry"

Then i thought i was gonna be a "Lothario" as my father calls it, but it turns out i have a lot to learn about how to make girls happy.

so – i'm going to just sort of forget about any sort of life that involves other people and just spend all my time in my bedroom and put down my emotions in words.

I'm trying to be part of the collegiate verse club.

i've never written poetry before (except like knock knock jokes) but I'm giong to love it because their are no right answers and i can just attach my pen to my heart and see what it scribbles.

this is my first ever poem. keep in mind they wil improve over time:

TO BE A SAILOR WITHOUT A SEA
by D.K. Splosian (so i can be like ts eliottt)

Bring me the ale – and tie up the wench!
A sailor am I, a sailor am I.
The mast is a tree and a tree isn't in the ocean
But a sailor am I, a sailor am I.

I am the Columbus of Columbus Avenue
Pulling my ship down the river of Riverside
Where will I drop anchor – I here you cry?

Why – At Big Nicks!
In that good Mexican place on 83rd and Amsterdam
At Barney Greengrlass!
At Intermix to get that haltertop for Naima she won't shut up about

I am a Sailor!
A drift without a crew
sailing with a boat
saioling on my comforter
with my belly in the feathers
and my mother yelling into her blackberry about fiduciary expenditures
and i will go to sleep when i want to!
and id ont' want to visit my cousins in larchmont!
I AM A SAILLOR
I WANT TO DROWN IN THE OCEAN OF MY CONFUSION

for a sailor was i, a sailor was i

thanks for all the cards

i'm feeling better

they're lettting me out on tuesday apparently

id on't know why i did that

really stupid

4000 hits

that was fast

i don't understand why i'm so popular online but none of the last 19 calls to my friends, every single one went to voicemail

i dont understand

why when i call my 4 best friends none of them pick up

or respond to texts

are they all in the same movie w/o me?

Oh hey there I'm a girl

Oh hey there i'm a girl

i live in new york city

i where tight dark jeans

i where big boots

i where a long black puffy jacket with rat around the hood

i where stupid thick glasses

i only eat salads but also MILANOS

i where big stupid headphones and walk around

i send texts on the subway even though i know you can't get reception

i where stupid plad shirts liek i'm a cowboy even though i go to brearly wear there are no cowboys

i don't smile back at dave when he gives me a big smile

i think i'm so much better than dave splosian



i can't wait till i'm older and i own like clear channel

if a splosian falls in a forrest and no one can here it, does it make an explosion?

i'm starting to think that all 3000+ hits on my blogg are just people in korea who are googling 'dartmouth'

hahahhaaaa

tell u laterrr

HOLYCRAP

so our building has a trash room

and i had never been down there b/c the staff always takes out hour garbage

BUTT

i accidentally forgot to get off the elvator and some eles's made was dropping off this big bag of crap and THIS ROOM IS AMAZING!!!!!

its HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!

A

i want to live in it.

B

it doesn't even smell.

C

it's HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE

D

and people throw out AWESOME stuff.

This is just some of the things I found:

1. a 32# flat screen television (the sound still works!)

2. CLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHES – i'm talking a tux jacket, cool shoes(!) (i think from the second world war), this nice apron with ebmrodiery (sp?), a hilarious skirt i look hilarious in, also – MOPS!

3. i found a 6pack of miller high life – with 3 bottles still INTACT! i now have them taped to the underside of my desk!

4. a rolly cahir with 1 bad wheel. it is SO FUNN. the place is SO BIG that i jsut squirt around on the chair and knock into the trash cans and it's HILARIOUS

5. i brought my puppyboy DAMON down with me and he went FU%KING NUTS! started to rip into s#it and stuff. i loved it.

i'm gonna start spending much more time in the garbage room

My College Essay (DRAFT 1)

pre-face: hello fateful readers. i first have got 2 say that my heart is BURSTING WITH LOVE for all of you. in just a couple of months this readership has gone from 2 (me and my mom to make sure I wasn't posting our real last name) up to basically 3000! this is so nuts, especially considering i only have 152 facebook friends and most of them are my sister danas from college b/c she did it as a joke but i'm keeping them all b/c some of them are actually super hot (i like 27 year olds!).

ANYWAY – as you all no, my dad is letting me take a shot at righting my college essay before he just has my cousin wellington at standford do it.

So here it goes.

AGAIN – please please PLEASE leave me comments and edits. i'm talking speling errors, i'm talking helping verbs and things like that – help me with FLOW - um, i don't need any joke help so don't even try b/c i'm like one of those people who understands humour so well that when i here it, i don't even laugh. ij ust nod and go "that's funny."

my dad calls me his "little paul reiser"

whoever the f@©K that is.

ok. without further adulations:

_________________________________________________

FOREVER THE OUTSIDER
A College Admittance Application Essay
Dartmouth College (My First Choice : - )
by David Kelsey SPLOSIAN

"Jewish, Jewish, that kid is JEWISH," I heard the boys shout.

I was sitting in Hebrew School on 82nd and Columbus (NYC, NY), singing this song my Hebrew School Teacher Ralph Levinstein wrote about Jewish Pride, where we point to each other and sing, "That kid is Jewish, that kid is etc."

And then, without thinking it, a thought splattered inside my skull: "Why am I at a school that is just for Jewish people? Isn't that racist?"

Here's is my normal morning:

Get up. Get back in bed. Get up. Get back in bed. Shower. Get back in bed. Eggo (sometimes toaster strudel). Call my mom and say 'good morning." Get dressed. Maria drops me off at Collegiate in our BMW.

Is there no spirituality?

I consider myself one with nature. I have been a founding member of the Strollers. NO – it's not what you throw a baby in because they're too small to walk and if they tried they'd stepped on and crushed to death. I'm talking bout STROLLING through central park. I love nature so much.

I watched a movie called AVATAR where God lives inside of an enormous tree, like the Berenstein bears. I don't think this is far off from the truth.

Plus, berenstein? those are jewish bears.

The problem with kids today is that they're always hunching over, typing into they're blackberries and iphones – I'm talking CHATS and TEXTS and EMAILS and CALLS and etc. We are disconnected. We are what is called 'disassociated." I see my friends trying to look so sad all the time. Frowning intentionally. Being cool and so forth. But when they send texts, they're all like, "AHAHAHAHAHAA LOL" – i'm talking capitol letters, happiness, etc. Why can they only express emotion in words? When did it become un-cool to be spiritual?

I'm not a hippy or hipster. I'm just a kid. Like you were a long time ago. Think back. Reach far, far back into your past. WAAAAAAAY BACK.

Now.

Do you remember, Darthmouth?

Do you remember when you were 15?

The world was a scary place, right? You didn't know what your future lay in store. You thought, "OH JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO CHOOSE MY CAREER RIGHTNOW RIGHTNOW!"

BUt let me ask you a question? Did you think, back when you were 15 and in my shoes (simile), "When I grow up I want to be a Dartmouth College Admissions Executive?" Of course not.

Who would want that?

No, you thought, "Fireman/firewoman" and "Movie star" and, I dunno what people wanted to be in the 1940s, probably like "Astropilots" or crazy things like "A COMPUTER" because you didn't even know then that computers can't also be people.

Anyway. YOu were also spiritual. You prayed every day.

Now look at us?

We text, we watch the Gossip Girls, we get so mad when Lenny's is out of half-sour pickles. In the past, jsut to have enough money to eat once a week was like a spiritual miracle.

I understand this.

[oops, almost at word count limit!]

I am intrested in Dartmouth's lacrosse JV team, newspaper, jewelry making club, world music percussion ensemble, and dorm life rep.

Thank you for considering my application.

With respect,
David Kelsey REDACTED – DAVID – DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN! – love mom

2010 – I Will Splos' Over You're Entire World

NEW YEARS RESTITUIONS:

1. death to my enemies


2. Hide they're bodies under the resevoir ice


3. Actually go to the botanical garden!! ;-)


4. Locate a switchblade and tape it to my sternum for the inevitable


5. Try that really hot sauce they have on the table at ollies(!!)


6. Tell those i care about just how much they mean to me


7. try to think more positive


8. Actually go the botntical garden in brooklyn


9. figure out a way to get that peace of glass out of my foot once and for all


10. Get a girlfriend that likes me as much as i like her.

See, this is my problem:

I pick out the girls I love but then they don't love me. Then the girls I don't love, love me. It's actually funny how much this happens. they change almost every day and I'm basically like, "ENOUGH!" I get it. I know I could get some of the really pretty ones if i bought them a la champs bag or something, or, like, took them out with the amex my dad gave me for emergencies and "a little wickedness now and then!" as he says. But, and honestly call me old -fashioned (I do think I'm an old soul!) but I think a girl should love you for who you are inside and outside. both of them. you should be attracted to the soul inside and also the shape of the face and body.

11. Cut off what i call half-friends. these are the people that want to eat lunch with me when i really only want to eat with dan or j.j. I'm gonna cut them out of my life so i have more time to talk about what dan and j.j. and me want to talk about – not what dumb s#!t tony always wants to mention. I DON"T CARE ABOUT PS2. I HONESTY DON'T CARE ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. Its so tupid. Why does he even like it? He's sitting and pushing buttons. That's almost as dumb as sports fans. Who cares? OH MAN, a group of millionaires form my city just did really well. I feel SUPERIOR then EVERYONE ELSE because I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and wasted like 90 bucks to sit one mile away from the millionaires. I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

12. try to be nicer to people.

screeners

so this year for christmas (hanukkah) my dad sent me 11 different academy screeners.

do you know what these are?

these are all the movies that are in theaters now but they send them to you on DVD so that you can watch them in you're underpants and than vote for the awards.

so...the peopel who get these are the poeple who already have so much money. its kinda funny when i see all these kids lined up outside AMC and their spending so much money and trying to sneak in using a granny ticket and its so sad b/c i have all these dvds on my bedspread that i dont even want to watch b/c i don't even like movies.

WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE CALLED UP IN THE AIR? about some guy who travels all the time and can't connect to any body? oh jesus. i WONDER what the journey of the movie will be. MAYBE. he'll learn to STAY IN ONE PLACE. and  then CONNECT WITH SOMEONE. id idn't watch it so don't think this is a spoiler. i don't know. but i don't care.

here's what makes a good movie:

1. heroic deeds

2. tough choices

3. fun locations (mountains, germany, etc.)

4. a little sexy fun (boobs, etc.)

5. what's called an ultimatum.

an ultimatum means that there are two things taht one person wants but he has to choose one or the other. so like, "I will kill your friend unless you give me the sack of plutonium." something like that.

there shoudl also be like a big cliff drop involved.

and an exploded helicopter.

anyway, all i wanted from my dad was for him to surprise me and take me to sarah beths for waffles. instead he's visiting his gf's family b/c it is her winter break from notre dame. 

 i don't even like movies. :(

Christmas in New York City

It's XMAS!! 

Today i was walking around and everyone was in such a good mood. Its totally amazing to see people smiling and kids laughing and feeling warm for once.

I went to 30 Rock (which is a real location) and they have a huge tree and all of these foreigners (people from all over america) come and take photos. They were so annoying. I could barely walk and had to walk in the street because they were so busy taking photos of themselves smiling in front of the tree.

Why do people smile in photos? So dumb. It's like, "Oh hey, I'm gonna smile and pretend the photographer caught me in a moment of happiness. Oh we're all so happy." Its total bs. I like old school photos where men and women didn't smile because it was more truthful. they new that everyone is mostly sad.

Also! I hate when people take photographs of public events (like obama inaguration) or of buildings, etc. I mean, there are altready a millino photofs of obama getting inagurated taken by PROFESSIONALS. why would they want to record it on they're cell phone camera? it is so dumb. why don't they LOOK at tit happening in person instead of watching it thru a tiny screen. defeats the purpose. its like whats called an oxymoron or irony.

anyway, today is the day when the jews eat chinese, so dana and mom and gram pips and i are gonna get some OLLIES and then go see a movie. it better not be IT'S COMPLICATED, even know i no my mom has a hard on for alec baldwin ever since she met him at a gala fundraiser for one of her charities.

i just hope my dad will call.

holiday gift idea

FOR THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS WHO HAVE 80 EARS

DRAFT ONE of my COLLEGE ESSAY – ARRIVES THIS WEEK

listen -- i know usually i'm like a humormachine and this blog, upper west splos' is a place the world clicks on just to get a little laughter in they're dark lives, but i need your help.

my dad is making me do my college essay early because he claims i'm, "you're an idiot. an actual idiot. i can't believe your my son." and he's sort of joking, so i had to start in advance. normally, my dad would jsut pay my cousin who goes to standford to rigth the essay for me, but i said that ir eally want t do it. some things in life you can absolutely get by paying for, but sometimes you just want to take the fair route so that you can look back on your life and say, "i mostly did it on my own."

SO -- i'm righting this essay on my own and then i hope you will all give me smart edits and ideas (i don't need jokes, i'm all set). and then, when it is perfect, i'll show it to my dad and i think it'll really be a great moment in our relationship.

form,
dave splosian
-------

today i ate

an entire meal while in the shower

here's how it happened:

i was LATE to get to a movie. i won't tell you what movie because it is maybe a little embarasing because it is about this guy who is so sad taht his kids dont care about him anymore but then they do at eh end. real big surprise, right? but my mom is kinda lonely since Guy left, and she said that i'm her 'man again.' so i took her out ot the movies and bought her a big popcorn using her credit card and i even held her hand during previews but i had to stop because ana was there with her boyfriend and i didn't want her to see me being a momas boy and i'm pretty sure she was impressed at how kind i was and could ssee that i was trying to make my mom feel like a woman so ana probably was thinking about me a little while her boyfriend was feeling her up.

SO.

i was coking these delicious lean pockets but i didnt want to miss previews b/c those are the best, so i decided to take it into the shower with me.

it was totall fine until i got the soap and the lean pocket mixed up and pushed it all around my torso for like 20 seconds.

ahah. but it was fine because i was IN THE SHOWER! so it washed almost all off right away. my torso smells a little like chicken and brocoocli.

i think im gonna set my mom up with my guydance counselor Alan.

I guess I'm Famous

Since I figured out how to put a counter on this blizzag in september, let's just say i've been sucking from teh tit of celebrity

ladys aned genteman, SPLOSIAN is about to pass 2000 UNIQUUE hits.

do you know what that means?

one hit for every year in the last MILLENIUM

that's like if everyone from christopher columbus to shakespeare to that guy who fought in the civil war oh yeah abe linconln haha to lazy to go back and delete to sharon stone have read this blog!

i would like to thank the academy of blogs for this great honor. i'm gonna celebrate by drinking a six pack of sqeezeits.

in other news, i've been working supe3r hard on my  college essay witch i'll be posting here super soon for your feedback and guidance. i've decided that i need to get into dartmouth or i'm honestly going tyo throw myself out the window onto CPW.

i'm also taking a big brake from girls. my guidance counselr ms. donahue syas that i'm "girl crazy" and that i should just focus on my studies for a bit. she said that when i can't focus bvecause i'm thinking about girls that i should just take a 'cold shower' and then she winked which was so creepy. why was she thinkint of me in the shower? looks like mss donahue doesn't have enough love in her life! hahahaha.

did you know that bagel bites cook like 9 times fast in the oven if you put the oven on "CLEAN"????

horses are red, violence is true

MY COOL UNCLE LET ME DRINK 3 AMSTELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!!!

stuck in the city that never sleeps....AROUND!!!!!!!

i was supposed to go see my dad in hollywood for thanksgiving but at the last minute he had to go to his girlfriends' parents in salt lake. so stoopid. that's the only time his girlfriend is home from college and she wants to go to barbados with her friends over winter break, so my dad bailed on me. so i ate with my mom, auntie j, STOOPID DANA, and and gummy (grandma pippi)


my mom wouldn't let me eat deserts becase i gained back the 3 pounds i lost this summer. i told her that i just had a lott of coins my pocket but she didn't believe me. i did tho.


gummy gave me 300 bucks to spend "on whatever you want!" so i'm gonna use the money to bye a smoke machine which i'll use on dana when she brings her new boyfriend slate home for WINTER BREAK!


ugly betty also isn't that ugly. i think she's really cool. she looks sort of like a hot naima. haha. jk naima. your pretty too when you actually try (i keep telling her this but she doesn't believe me!)

college application

i am applying to colleges soon.

my dad says i need to think about what i'm gonna right.

i need your're opionons.

tehese are potential options:

1. tennsi

2. voluntearing

3. world piece

4. just like all of my best jokes

5. how hard it is to grow up jewish in new york city (the struggle)

6. telling why the chicken obviously came before the egg. its so flippin obvious. how would an egg just appear? gbut it makes sense that the chicken would evolve out of the dinaosura

MAPLE TICKLE!

if you put maple syrup on the back of your hand and lick it, it not only tastes delicious but also tickles!!!

i found out tonight that my sister smokes.

i had no idea

whats the point anymore

she told me 4 weeks ago that shes never smoked before

i mean, maybe she started in the last 4 weeks

but i don't think so

why would she lie to me?

ifi can't trust her, i can't trust anybody

this is such garbgae

why do people do dumb things just to look cool?

i'd rather live somewhere on an island where all i do is take happy pills and play with damon

i'm done with nyc

i'm done with everybody

i hate

evyerone

BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

went 2 an AMAZING punk concert 2nite.

the ONLY band i like : BOMB THE MUSIC INDUSTRY b/c they understand that everyone is a liar.

EVERYONE was jumping an fighting. i got laffy taffy. this cute girl behind the bar was named RORY. she asked me wear i got my tshirt and i told her the name of the store but she had never heard of it.  i told her it was expensive to impress her and it did. i think she wanted me to ask her to dance or fight.

THEY SANG MY FAVORITE SONG: LINK! : SORT OF LIKE BEING PUMPED

they give away all they're music 4 free, so you can listen to the hole thing. it means they don't make any $ so they will starve to death. i told this idea to my dad and i thought he'd be like "thats cool, david. i respect that" but my dad is a robot in the hollywood army and said "there business model is unustainable" or something. i think their cool, tho.

the bad news is that in the parking lot i fell and cracked open like the underside of my nose wear the nose touches the skin that touches the LIPS

STILL i had an amazing time and i am never going to forget meeting Jeff and having him sign my napkin from my REAL HOT PRETZEL

I AM NOW AN OFFICIAL ROSENSTALKER!

franz ferdinand is a thief and a jerk

wendall made me listen to this 'awesome' song he had on his iphone today at lunch. we're not aloud to take out our cells during school hrs, but he's al llike, "it's worth risking.' so he plays me this SUPER OLD song called The Dark Of The Matinée by Franz Ferdinand

WELL.

what a slice of hot garbage!


that song is just HAVA NEGILA played on an electric guitar w/ distorsion. 


ive been to like 3932039842093842 bar mitzvahs and that song is burned into my chochlea (sp?). 


i bet franz ferdinand has built like 4 houses off that song when he didn't even write it.


i'm gonna go write a hit song that is actually "God Bless America" set to a rap beat.

sick

i am sick

:-O====================

why did they stop calling swine flew swine flew and start calling it h1n1?

"oink oink" said the murderous pig

is it the pork industry? that is total bs. we are letting people die in genocides in other country's but we are worried about the pork lobbys? this is total bs.

i hope i have swine flew so i can tell everyone

i also have a culturual geography quiz tomorrow and id on't know where all the countrys are in europe and i half to label a map. this is impossible. i don't care wear moldova is. i'm pretty sure that's not even a real place. it sounds like a part of a girl's body that were learned in health or something. i'm totally screwed. unless patricia calls my mom and she lets me stay home but i'm nots ure if patricia can get to my mom with the time zone change. what time is it right now in kytoto?

i hope i have swine flew.

love dave

ps -- naima -- are you still online? i don't see you on my fbchat but i'm worried yo u are on invisible. is this true? i was only kidding and i only told those things to nina p. because i thought you had already told her. i don't think they are small. i think they are nice.

dave hollywood

should i have thanksgiving with dad in hollywood? he says he'll invite 2 moviestairs i'm crushing on, but i dunno.


i think he jsut wants me to come b/c it'll piss off my mom.


she wants me to stay here and have thanksiginvg with her, dana, damon, and aunt j. and grandma pippi if she's in a good mental state.

Night of the Devil

Hello my young followers!! ;-)

2nite is DEVILS NIGHT. you know what that means!?!?

HI JINKS!

HI JINKS!

HI JINKS!

tonight is gonna be the best night of my life. i know it. first of all, naima and i have patched things up ever since i left her for alli. naima understood that iw as just trying to have more experiences even though she knows that we'll totally end up togher. i just need to sew some wild otes, as she says her mother says. which i thnk is exactly right. 

so naima is a HUGE prankster. its actually ridiculous. once i saw her just go thru the salad bars at whole foods in columbus circle and hjust EAT THINGS. also she told me she's smoked before.

TONIGHT we're GONNA dump GlASS down the garbage shoot. TONIGHT we're GONNA GO INTO THE PARK PAST CLOSING AND SHE HAS SOMETHING SECRET FOR US, SHE SAYS. I"M PRETTY SURE IT IS that HALF EMPTY BOTTLE OF MADEIRA SHE FOUND BEHIND THE TOILET IN HER FATHERS BATHROOM>

many of you asked how things went with bea. WELL. I decided to take my own girl advice and ignore her b/c thats the best way to force a girl to fall in love with you.


it's working b/c she hasn't contacted me yet and its been like 2 weeks!

I AM A FUTURE-TELLER!

Ummmmm............guess who is smarter than the FBI, CIA, NSA, & INTREPOL?

ME!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/28/world/asia/28intel.html?_r=1&hp

IF YOU WILL REMEMBER I PREDICTED THIS A WEEK AGO:

http://splosian.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-actually-tell-gurl-you-love-here.html

still, no one is giving me any credit. this is total bs

inside of every baby

is a secret

newest news(!)

first, i want to take this moment to congratulate me on having over 800 hits in just this one month. this is HUGE. imagine 800 people. now imagine 800 people reading my MIND. and only 2/3 of the hits are me hitting reload to see if pople are posting comments.

i want to beat oprah in terms of popularness. she is so smug. i know i can.

i'm starting a bookclub to compete with hers. here is my first book. i need everyone read it by november 15 and then i'll post what the book is really about for oyu to learn:

DAVE SPLOSIAN BOOK CLUB BOOK NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO

heres the NEWS!!!!

i found this email in my email box. this is it in transcyption:

"David, Nina P. told me you are the one writing the funny blog. Is this true? Will you write about me so that I know it is really you? xoBea."

SO FOR THOSE YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, BEA IS THE HOTTEST GIRL IN NEW YORK. SHE GOES TO SPENCE. I ONLY TALKED OT HER ONCE AND IT WAS IN A GROUP OF 4 OTHER PEOPLE AT A BAR MITZVAH.

SO HERE'S THE PROBLEM:

1. if i write her name in this blog, then she'll be so happy and impressed.

2. but if she reads it and knows I like her, then i could be embrassed if she knows its me and her feelings aren't reciprotocal.

WHAT DO I DO?>!>!>!

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT

stay tuned!

HOW TO [ACTUALLY!!!] TELL A GURL YOU LOVE HERE; PART 1

The blogosphere has been BLOWING UP over my recent SLAMDOWN of the wikihow entry on how to tell a girl that you are loving her.

first of all, i want to thank you (my fans) for supporting me and theis blog. if you like what you read SEND ME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love to get money to spend on DRUGS!~!!!!! jk, i'm drug free b/c drugs are NOT cool and are responsible for the WARS IN AFGHANSITAN and IRAQ. i think the US should just BUY THE OPIUM FIELDS and then there won't be any more wars. plus then we'll own all this land in AFGAHANISTNA and IRAW wear they can bild resorts which will be awesome b/c they'll come with tons of FRFEEEE OPOUIM!

so here's how you tll a girl you like her.

first -- CLEAN YOURSELF! there is nothing girls hate more than a smelly boy. i shower about 3 times day and I brush my teeth between classes. i aalso swallow 4-6 altoilds like pills so that when i burp, i burp MINT. it actually works. i also fart mint.

NOTE: if you are an athelte like me (tennis!!!! what what!) girls like when your in you're uniform and have sweat on your body. it reminds them that we are all animals. so what i do is where my uniform and spray myself with this bottle of WHITE DIAMONDS perfume i found in my mom's closet. it gives me a glisten the grisl LOVE.

second -- pick out the girl you want to covet.

here are a checklist to help you choose the girl:

is the girl pretty? (yes / no)
is the girl rich? *(yes / sort of / no)
is the girl funny (no / no) hahaha!
is the girl nice to you (my last three girlfriends cheeted on me and that's NOT cool.) (yes / you think so but your not totally sure / no)
is the girl have a PENIS! (yes / no) HAHA. if you answer yes, you just kissed a BOY!
is the girl smart? (girls are smarter then boys. that's just a fact. they are also taller)
how old is the girl? (yes / no)

NOW . tally your answers. if you answered yes at least 5 times, you are in love. pick that girl and then you have to find a time when you can impress her.

SECRET: THE WORST YOU TREAT A GIRL, THE MORE SHE WILl FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

show her a little attention andf then sort of treat her like s#it. then sort of pretend your interested in her best freind. this will incerease the jealousy. a lot of jeaously is at the heart of every first relationship. FACT: my father's girlfriend is the most jealous person i ever met and i saw her throw a barstool at my dad once when he was giving this woman his phone number just because he wanted to see if his phone was broken. my dad's girlfriend is SO CUTE and is like 22, so that's proof right there.

ok, so by now youve probably touched the boob of her best friend.

what does it feel like ? (good / bad)
does she have a Penis? (THAT'S A BOY! AHAHHAHAA WQITH BOOBS!))!!!!)

ok. now comes the time when you have to do what's called a "GRAND GESTURE."

this may be like buying her something expensive or helping her to win her field hockey game or something.

she'll be all like, "He does care about me?"

NOW THE NEXT PART IS CRUCIAL!!!!!

when she tries to kiss you, say, "i'm sorry, but im not attracted to you."

this will lower her eseteems. then she is yours.

i want to say, RIGHT NOW, that i am NOT A SHOWVANIST!! i rote these theorys in ms. danton's class and turned it in for creative righting and she rote back that iw as a SHOWVANIST and i should treat women with respect and just be honest.

ms. danton is 53 and unmarried.

bingo.

(true her husband sdied last summer, but she's still unmarried and doesn't get what love is like these days)

i've had 6 girls break my heart since december. they can be so mean and sometimes you jsut need to fight back.

i think i need to go back on my meds.

anyway...

i right more thoughts to tomorrow. i gotta lie down for a while. if you want to