weird texts

so i've had quiet a night...

everything was supernormal, i was jsut watching this adam sandler marathon on encore hd on demand. some of them were ok. my dad was involved because he REDACTED this one call punch drunk love thats about a lonely guy who does this funny thing with puddings and you get so sad that you want the movie to end which it does but its also deep because there are these fast drums and his 'weird quality' is that he beats the crap out of objects and can't control himself.

anyway, so i get this text on my iphone from an unkown number:

"wat u up 2"

so i'm like, "whos this (new phone!)"

which is a really clever way of finding out who is texting you from an unknown number if you don't know they're number.

i don't have a new phone. i actually have a first iphone (like the really ancient one with the silver back that cant even do video~!!). but the person doesnt know this or even if its a friend of mine, i can then be like, "sorry man, didn't know this was your number. i use that strategy to keep losers away"

failproof!

anyway, i get back "jess!"

and I'm like...(2 myself), JESS? is jess a girl or boy? i dunno any jess.

so i rack up my brains and am like JESS JESS JESS JESS JESS.

!

then i remembered that i met this younger sister of my sister danas friend @ this weird brunch my mom made my sister drag me to at sarabeths.

jess! she was like ACTUALLY REALLY CUTE and had these stupid big glasses like a hipster but it actualy didnt bother me.

shes a freshman at brearely

we sat far away and i only talked to her for like 2 secs by the bathroom while her sister was having her period

anyway -- i'm like, "hey! how'd you get my #?"

and she goes, "my sis. what u doin tonight?"

i didn't respond because now i'm playing hard to get.

i hope she doesn't read my bloggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!

a new poem by david hawtorn splosian

without asking for permission
and without asking for extension
i solidly placed my two feet on the edge of the diving board

the wind lapped at my sides
like the tongue of a dog
and i noticed my toenail was of unusual length

a girl, who must not be named, sat in a lounge chair
her famously dark hair pulled to one side
her nose was firmly laced to a book
the depth, of which, was far beyond her ken

so i trusted that her obvious (but felonious) show of intelligence
was merely the guise of watching my arc
i made the decision to plummet into the early spring depths

with half a sole over the chasm
and while placing my better judgement in a locked cellar
i stole a glance down at my reclining Everything

a page turned and a wisp of hair was tucked behind
how i screamed a deafening silence at her
look up
notice
finally understand

but instead, i felt the chill
and i remembered my sunken chest
the three and a half hairs fluttering in the spring nascence

and i bid myself, "RETREAT! RETREAT!"
like a soldier in a war that he knows he must sacrifice himself for pride,
but, instead, remembers that there will always be wars
and he has a love of warm food and tuneful music,
and a girl back home
and so he runs from the gunfire

and similarly i slunk down the turquoise painted ladder
the dry skin of my feet rippling back like curtains
and i padded across the cement
and past her readerly stare
and sat, alone on a step, listening to a far away bass beat
pound out my childhood from a car in the parking lot

BIG NEWS

my sister DANA is ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!

DAVE SPLOSIANS ACADEMY AWARDS

hey i'm a celebrity. let's get the whole world to watch us give awards to each other.


oh man, i was just in a really serious movie based on a true story. i am the best pretender of all time. give me a statue of a gold man to honor how well i pretend to be someone who actually did something wonderful


ohhhh! what am i whereing tonight??? is it a tuxedo? is it a dress? who makes it? how mcuh does it cost? what the crap is SHE!!! whereing tonight??? is she a FREAKING ANIMAL? why is she whereing THAT? does she not have a thought in her head? even I UNDERSTAND FASHION BETTER THAN THAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. pass me the pizza – SHUT THE HELL UP JASON!!!! I"M WATCHING BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WIN AWARDS. NOW GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM. I DON"T KNOW WHY I BOUGHT YOU THOSE NINTENDO WIIS IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PLAY THEM ALONE IN YOUR ROOM!


now lets do a million dances!!!


some jokes!


hahahaha. oh STEVE MARTIN! you STILL have it! really nice joke! [DID HE COME UP WITH THAT ON THE SPOT???????]

now for the real awards:

BEST HORSE IN A MOVIE:

Joshua Horse

BEST FOOD IN A MOVIE SCENE:

pasta

BEST ACTOR IN A BACKGROUND SCENE:

Linda Freedmont, Portsmouth, NH

BEST USE OF THE WORD "AND":

The Hurt Locker

OH SHIT! DID A BVUNCH OF CELEBRITIES DIE? NOW LETS SHOW THEY"RE FACES SO THAT PEOPLE AT HOME CAN SAY< "OH SHIT I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS DEAD?? ? WHEN DID HE DIE, HUSBAND??/ I NEVER HEARD THAT????!!!!! HOLY SHIT!! HE"S DEAD?"


FORMULA FOR A HIT FILM:


Ingredients:


4 beautiful celebrities playing poor people
1 fatal disease
3 exotic location / alley
1 thing that americans can't possibily understand fully so they appreciate it like its magic or something: math, science, wine, tornados
3 boobs
8 songs by radiohead

-----

a gazillion people are dying a year, from old age and other reasons

let's get our priorities strate, america

maybe before we give each other awards, we should remember how beautiful, fragile, and precious each moment is.

we should be filming our own lives and giving awards to each other to say, "hey friend, i really appreciate you in my life"

JK!!!!

ps -- my dad won an oscar TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

driver's license

i want to git my driver's license but my mom says there is no reason

she says i'm supposed to take a cab everywear because of the bombs on the subway

i told my mom that there could also be a bomb on the cab

so now my mom says i can't go anywhere

i explained that if i had a car, i can control where the bombs are.

if there are bombs in my car, that means i'm suicidal, andi need to go back on lexepro.

my mom then decided to put me on lexepro because i talked about suicide

so i guess i can't get a car

the last thing i need is to stay in my apartment building and play in the trash room while my friends have all these exciting 'firsts'

whatever.

i hate movies
i hate to read
i hate everything except my puppyboy damon but i'm pretty sure he can tell i'm desperate for fun

even he avoids me

OH SHITTTTTT GOLDEN EYE IS ON TBSQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!