WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR COUNTRY

so excuse me for blowing open this bag of secrecy: but I think I have located the perfect bottle of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH AMERICA:

ever here of the NEW YORK TIMES?

well: there is not thing WRONG with the NEW YORK TIMES Per SAY.

BUTT!

take a looksee at the front page online.

there's this box named: MOST EMAILED

for those of you who don't understand internet: most emailed means: the articles on the NEW YORK TIMES website that are most emailed to relatives.

WELL.

there is so much crazy shit happening in this world. drugs and sickness and starvation and war and hatreds and global warming and sexting.

yet --- this is basically what the top 10 articles ALWAYS ARE:

MOST EMAILED LINKS:

1. How to make the best scrumptious pancakes!
2. Are the SAT's the right method to figure out if kids belong at YaleHarvardPrinceton?
3. Julia Roberts: Choosing her projects case-by-case
4. Ten minute meals by Mario Battalllli
5. How to redecorate your home on a budget!
6. Opinion: Facebook -- does it make our kiddies dumbos?
7. Massive explosion in Baghdad. Ten billion ten.
8. Carry-out food --- is it cheaper than cooking?
9. Opinion: Are girls better than boys?
10. BOOGERS

Ok.

SOOOO.

What do we learn?

NUMBER SEVEN IS THE HUGE EXPLOSION

Americans don't care about anything because they are disconnected, unaffacted, and lazy

as long as tv is all like< "liz lemon loves to eat food but she's still so thin!" then we'll never be like, "Congress! send prescription medications to the africans!"



i mean, this is for the older people to deal with. people that spend all they're time buying linenes.

i just need to graduate and find a girl with who i can have some cool 'firsts.'

we need a call to action.

i am that call.

and i am a 1-800 number

SPLOS-OUT!

weird texts

so i've had quiet a night...

everything was supernormal, i was jsut watching this adam sandler marathon on encore hd on demand. some of them were ok. my dad was involved because he REDACTED this one call punch drunk love thats about a lonely guy who does this funny thing with puddings and you get so sad that you want the movie to end which it does but its also deep because there are these fast drums and his 'weird quality' is that he beats the crap out of objects and can't control himself.

anyway, so i get this text on my iphone from an unkown number:

"wat u up 2"

so i'm like, "whos this (new phone!)"

which is a really clever way of finding out who is texting you from an unknown number if you don't know they're number.

i don't have a new phone. i actually have a first iphone (like the really ancient one with the silver back that cant even do video~!!). but the person doesnt know this or even if its a friend of mine, i can then be like, "sorry man, didn't know this was your number. i use that strategy to keep losers away"

failproof!

anyway, i get back "jess!"

and I'm like...(2 myself), JESS? is jess a girl or boy? i dunno any jess.

so i rack up my brains and am like JESS JESS JESS JESS JESS.

!

then i remembered that i met this younger sister of my sister danas friend @ this weird brunch my mom made my sister drag me to at sarabeths.

jess! she was like ACTUALLY REALLY CUTE and had these stupid big glasses like a hipster but it actualy didnt bother me.

shes a freshman at brearely

we sat far away and i only talked to her for like 2 secs by the bathroom while her sister was having her period

anyway -- i'm like, "hey! how'd you get my #?"

and she goes, "my sis. what u doin tonight?"

i didn't respond because now i'm playing hard to get.

i hope she doesn't read my bloggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!

a new poem by david hawtorn splosian

without asking for permission
and without asking for extension
i solidly placed my two feet on the edge of the diving board

the wind lapped at my sides
like the tongue of a dog
and i noticed my toenail was of unusual length

a girl, who must not be named, sat in a lounge chair
her famously dark hair pulled to one side
her nose was firmly laced to a book
the depth, of which, was far beyond her ken

so i trusted that her obvious (but felonious) show of intelligence
was merely the guise of watching my arc
i made the decision to plummet into the early spring depths

with half a sole over the chasm
and while placing my better judgement in a locked cellar
i stole a glance down at my reclining Everything

a page turned and a wisp of hair was tucked behind
how i screamed a deafening silence at her
look up
notice
finally understand

but instead, i felt the chill
and i remembered my sunken chest
the three and a half hairs fluttering in the spring nascence

and i bid myself, "RETREAT! RETREAT!"
like a soldier in a war that he knows he must sacrifice himself for pride,
but, instead, remembers that there will always be wars
and he has a love of warm food and tuneful music,
and a girl back home
and so he runs from the gunfire

and similarly i slunk down the turquoise painted ladder
the dry skin of my feet rippling back like curtains
and i padded across the cement
and past her readerly stare
and sat, alone on a step, listening to a far away bass beat
pound out my childhood from a car in the parking lot

BIG NEWS

my sister DANA is ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!

DAVE SPLOSIANS ACADEMY AWARDS

hey i'm a celebrity. let's get the whole world to watch us give awards to each other.


oh man, i was just in a really serious movie based on a true story. i am the best pretender of all time. give me a statue of a gold man to honor how well i pretend to be someone who actually did something wonderful


ohhhh! what am i whereing tonight??? is it a tuxedo? is it a dress? who makes it? how mcuh does it cost? what the crap is SHE!!! whereing tonight??? is she a FREAKING ANIMAL? why is she whereing THAT? does she not have a thought in her head? even I UNDERSTAND FASHION BETTER THAN THAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. pass me the pizza – SHUT THE HELL UP JASON!!!! I"M WATCHING BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WIN AWARDS. NOW GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM. I DON"T KNOW WHY I BOUGHT YOU THOSE NINTENDO WIIS IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PLAY THEM ALONE IN YOUR ROOM!


now lets do a million dances!!!


some jokes!


hahahaha. oh STEVE MARTIN! you STILL have it! really nice joke! [DID HE COME UP WITH THAT ON THE SPOT???????]

now for the real awards:

BEST HORSE IN A MOVIE:

Joshua Horse

BEST FOOD IN A MOVIE SCENE:

pasta

BEST ACTOR IN A BACKGROUND SCENE:

Linda Freedmont, Portsmouth, NH

BEST USE OF THE WORD "AND":

The Hurt Locker

OH SHIT! DID A BVUNCH OF CELEBRITIES DIE? NOW LETS SHOW THEY"RE FACES SO THAT PEOPLE AT HOME CAN SAY< "OH SHIT I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS DEAD?? ? WHEN DID HE DIE, HUSBAND??/ I NEVER HEARD THAT????!!!!! HOLY SHIT!! HE"S DEAD?"


FORMULA FOR A HIT FILM:


Ingredients:


4 beautiful celebrities playing poor people
1 fatal disease
3 exotic location / alley
1 thing that americans can't possibily understand fully so they appreciate it like its magic or something: math, science, wine, tornados
3 boobs
8 songs by radiohead

-----

a gazillion people are dying a year, from old age and other reasons

let's get our priorities strate, america

maybe before we give each other awards, we should remember how beautiful, fragile, and precious each moment is.

we should be filming our own lives and giving awards to each other to say, "hey friend, i really appreciate you in my life"

JK!!!!

ps -- my dad won an oscar TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

driver's license

i want to git my driver's license but my mom says there is no reason

she says i'm supposed to take a cab everywear because of the bombs on the subway

i told my mom that there could also be a bomb on the cab

so now my mom says i can't go anywhere

i explained that if i had a car, i can control where the bombs are.

if there are bombs in my car, that means i'm suicidal, andi need to go back on lexepro.

my mom then decided to put me on lexepro because i talked about suicide

so i guess i can't get a car

the last thing i need is to stay in my apartment building and play in the trash room while my friends have all these exciting 'firsts'

whatever.

i hate movies
i hate to read
i hate everything except my puppyboy damon but i'm pretty sure he can tell i'm desperate for fun

even he avoids me

OH SHITTTTTT GOLDEN EYE IS ON TBSQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spring break is broken

so naima isn't talking to me.

we had plans to go on spring break somewhere cool.

her dad owns an island somewhere below florida or something and we were gonna go there for romance.

her dad shut that down pretty quick.

then i told naima i liked her because she reminded me of a boy.

now i have nothing.

my mom took away my 5 at a time netflix because she said i was becming a hermit.

i don't understand how i'm supposed to spend my time if my friends are always busy and my mom is at work.

i literally have nothing to do.

nothing.

last night i walked around our apartment seeing how long i could hold my breath

Dartmuth Essay #2

OK -- I'm am PI$$ED.


So my Dad said I could take a shot at writing my college essay before he had my cousin wellington at stanfard do it and i stayed up three nights in a row and wrote a really amazing essay that literally took me over 2 HOURS of writing. See: BLAG ABOUT ESSAY

Well GUESS WHAT POPPERS DID? 

He paid Wellington to write an essay for me anyway. My Dad fowarded it to me this morning and said i could make some changes so i could "feel some ownership" but he said he needed to appove them. WELL. I'm gonna do just that.


BELOW is the email w/ the original email from my dad.

BELOW that is the revised essay I just emailed back to him.

i have eaten 4 boxes of sour patch kids and now i literaly can't tell if i have a tounge anymore. honestly. it could be like halfway down my throat and i'm actually choking or maybe it is falling out of my mouth or something. i feel like i just licked a highway.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: DADSPLOSIAN
Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2010 at 6:27 AM
Subject: Your "Essay"
To: DAVESPLOSIAN@I'MFRICKININCREDIBLE.ORGASM

David,

I read your essay last night before bed. Audrey read it too. 

Is it an attempt at humor? A and I both think there is room to show your personality in the essay, but most of what you wrote is nonsensical and doesn't pertain to anything pertinent to an appropriate college application essay. 

Again, I don't think it is a good idea to have your heart set so firmly on Dartmouth. While I loved my time there, there are "other fish in the sea," as they say and I think you should start to investigate other possibilities – use the laptop A and I gave you for Hanukkah. Click around websites. Take charge! 

Yes, I will be making the large donation at my reunion this year – but that is NO GUARANTEE. My accountant's daughter applied to Penn and though he donated 12 squash courts, she was waitlisted.  

Below is a better essay written by your cousin Wellington. You may make some edits so that it feels personal. 

Love,

Dad (+Audrey!)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: WELLINGTONSUX 
Date: Sun, Feb 5, 2010 at 4:41 AM
Subject: Essay for Cousin D
To: DADSPLOSIAN@dreamworks.com

Hi Uncle REDACTED,

Enclosed is my first stab at an essay for Cousin Dave. I tried to remember some things he liked to do since he didn't reply to the survey I sent him last week.

I've attached it as a PDF in case you don't have the new version of Word and can't access .docx.

I'm so happy that you and Adrian are thinking of coming up to hear our Winter Concert. I don't know if you've actually ever heard me play the flugelhorn, but it should be a good concert – some cool pieces and will be a brief concert (only 3hrs). Of course, I totally understand if you guys can't make it.

And,  of course, thanks for the generous check. I really appreciate it. And NO I won't be spending it on beer, like you wrote on the memo -- hahaha. I actually don't drink and neither does my boyfriend.

With love,

Wellington

---------------------------------------------------

This past summer, I decided to take a chance.

With only the money I made raking leaves and shoveling snow, I took off for a trip backpacking across Europe. What I hoped I'd find was an adventure. What I actually found, well, where should I start?

Wheels down in Berlin.

There was a youth hostel I heard about on a travel website. Yet, when my taxicab pulled up, it had been converted into a Subway Sandwich Restaurant (are these EVERYWHERE?). 

By the time I had figured this out, my taxicab was gone and it began to rain. Lost in Berlin, well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! So, I walked for a few minutes, seeing huddling couples under single umbrellas – a stray grey dog who looked ever sorrier than I – and I finally stumbled onto a hostel near the Volkspark Friederichshain. 

Inside was a blind man who I'd eventually come to know as my best friend in Germany. He asked if I wanted a room. Of course, I didn't know that's what he was saying, since he was screaming at me in German!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

--------------------------------------------------------

OK. I couldn't even paste the rest. THAT ESSAY SUCKED!!!!!!!!

1. I've never been to Germany

2. He just made all that stuff up. If I'm gonna lie, i might as well say I did something good like volunteering or making an iphone app for homeless people or something.

3. Wellington's jokes are TERRIBLE. He doens't understand sofisticated humor. A joke about SUBWAY? gimme a BREAK!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:DAVESPLOSIAN@I'MFRICKININCREDIBLE.ORGASM

Date: Sun, Feb 7, 2010 at 11:56 PM
Subject: RE: Your "Essay"
To: DADSPLOSIAN 

dad,

i cannot believe that you think welly's essay is good. its total bs and my essay about how hard it is grow up jewish in nyc is so much better.

why don't you believe in me?

and stop talking about audrey. i really can't stand her. she's 19 years old and its sort of creepy. i should honestly be like hooking up with her, not you.

below is welly's essay made with a few changes. these are non-negotable.

from,

david SPLOSIAN

------------------------------------------------------

This past summer, I decided to take a dump.

With only the money I made having sex with the elderly, I took off for a trip backpacking across my big butt. What I hoped I'd find was an adventure. What I actually found, well, where should I start?

Wheels down in my butt.

There was a youth hostel I heard about on a travel website. Yet, when my taxicab pulled up my butt, it had been converted into a Subway Sandwich Restaurant (are these EVERYWHERE? AND ISN'T IT NUTS THAT MY BUTT IS NOW A SUBWAY????????????). 

By the time I had figured this out, my taxicab was gone and it began to BLEED. Lost in MY BUTT, well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind! So, I walked for a few minutes, seeing huddling couples Taking Bites out of the thigh of an ACTUAL DEAD ANGEL – a stray grey dog who looked CLEVER – and I finally stumbled onto a hostel near the TAINT. 

Inside was a blind man who I'd eventually come to know as my best friend in TAINTSVILLE. He asked if I wanted a room. Of course, I didn't know that's what he was saying, since he was screaming at me in POOP!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Splosian – A Poet for a New Century

I think i found my calling.

First I thought it was as a tennis player but the fateful readers will know how THAT turned out. you can only lose so many times to kids from the lower school before your all like, "ok, enough. i'm going to pinkberry"

Then i thought i was gonna be a "Lothario" as my father calls it, but it turns out i have a lot to learn about how to make girls happy.

so – i'm going to just sort of forget about any sort of life that involves other people and just spend all my time in my bedroom and put down my emotions in words.

I'm trying to be part of the collegiate verse club.

i've never written poetry before (except like knock knock jokes) but I'm giong to love it because their are no right answers and i can just attach my pen to my heart and see what it scribbles.

this is my first ever poem. keep in mind they wil improve over time:

TO BE A SAILOR WITHOUT A SEA
by D.K. Splosian (so i can be like ts eliottt)

Bring me the ale – and tie up the wench!
A sailor am I, a sailor am I.
The mast is a tree and a tree isn't in the ocean
But a sailor am I, a sailor am I.

I am the Columbus of Columbus Avenue
Pulling my ship down the river of Riverside
Where will I drop anchor – I here you cry?

Why – At Big Nicks!
In that good Mexican place on 83rd and Amsterdam
At Barney Greengrlass!
At Intermix to get that haltertop for Naima she won't shut up about

I am a Sailor!
A drift without a crew
sailing with a boat
saioling on my comforter
with my belly in the feathers
and my mother yelling into her blackberry about fiduciary expenditures
and i will go to sleep when i want to!
and id ont' want to visit my cousins in larchmont!
I AM A SAILLOR
I WANT TO DROWN IN THE OCEAN OF MY CONFUSION

for a sailor was i, a sailor was i

thanks for all the cards

i'm feeling better

they're lettting me out on tuesday apparently

id on't know why i did that

really stupid

4000 hits

that was fast

i don't understand why i'm so popular online but none of the last 19 calls to my friends, every single one went to voicemail

i dont understand

why when i call my 4 best friends none of them pick up

or respond to texts

are they all in the same movie w/o me?

Oh hey there I'm a girl

Oh hey there i'm a girl

i live in new york city

i where tight dark jeans

i where big boots

i where a long black puffy jacket with rat around the hood

i where stupid thick glasses

i only eat salads but also MILANOS

i where big stupid headphones and walk around

i send texts on the subway even though i know you can't get reception

i where stupid plad shirts liek i'm a cowboy even though i go to brearly wear there are no cowboys

i don't smile back at dave when he gives me a big smile

i think i'm so much better than dave splosian



i can't wait till i'm older and i own like clear channel

if a splosian falls in a forrest and no one can here it, does it make an explosion?

i'm starting to think that all 3000+ hits on my blogg are just people in korea who are googling 'dartmouth'

hahahhaaaa

tell u laterrr

HOLYCRAP

so our building has a trash room

and i had never been down there b/c the staff always takes out hour garbage

BUTT

i accidentally forgot to get off the elvator and some eles's made was dropping off this big bag of crap and THIS ROOM IS AMAZING!!!!!

its HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!r!!!!

A

i want to live in it.

B

it doesn't even smell.

C

it's HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE

D

and people throw out AWESOME stuff.

This is just some of the things I found:

1. a 32# flat screen television (the sound still works!)

2. CLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHESCLOTHES – i'm talking a tux jacket, cool shoes(!) (i think from the second world war), this nice apron with ebmrodiery (sp?), a hilarious skirt i look hilarious in, also – MOPS!

3. i found a 6pack of miller high life – with 3 bottles still INTACT! i now have them taped to the underside of my desk!

4. a rolly cahir with 1 bad wheel. it is SO FUNN. the place is SO BIG that i jsut squirt around on the chair and knock into the trash cans and it's HILARIOUS

5. i brought my puppyboy DAMON down with me and he went FU%KING NUTS! started to rip into s#it and stuff. i loved it.

i'm gonna start spending much more time in the garbage room

My College Essay (DRAFT 1)

pre-face: hello fateful readers. i first have got 2 say that my heart is BURSTING WITH LOVE for all of you. in just a couple of months this readership has gone from 2 (me and my mom to make sure I wasn't posting our real last name) up to basically 3000! this is so nuts, especially considering i only have 152 facebook friends and most of them are my sister danas from college b/c she did it as a joke but i'm keeping them all b/c some of them are actually super hot (i like 27 year olds!).

ANYWAY – as you all no, my dad is letting me take a shot at righting my college essay before he just has my cousin wellington at standford do it.

So here it goes.

AGAIN – please please PLEASE leave me comments and edits. i'm talking speling errors, i'm talking helping verbs and things like that – help me with FLOW - um, i don't need any joke help so don't even try b/c i'm like one of those people who understands humour so well that when i here it, i don't even laugh. ij ust nod and go "that's funny."

my dad calls me his "little paul reiser"

whoever the f@©K that is.

ok. without further adulations:

_________________________________________________

FOREVER THE OUTSIDER
A College Admittance Application Essay
Dartmouth College (My First Choice : - )
by David Kelsey SPLOSIAN

"Jewish, Jewish, that kid is JEWISH," I heard the boys shout.

I was sitting in Hebrew School on 82nd and Columbus (NYC, NY), singing this song my Hebrew School Teacher Ralph Levinstein wrote about Jewish Pride, where we point to each other and sing, "That kid is Jewish, that kid is etc."

And then, without thinking it, a thought splattered inside my skull: "Why am I at a school that is just for Jewish people? Isn't that racist?"

Here's is my normal morning:

Get up. Get back in bed. Get up. Get back in bed. Shower. Get back in bed. Eggo (sometimes toaster strudel). Call my mom and say 'good morning." Get dressed. Maria drops me off at Collegiate in our BMW.

Is there no spirituality?

I consider myself one with nature. I have been a founding member of the Strollers. NO – it's not what you throw a baby in because they're too small to walk and if they tried they'd stepped on and crushed to death. I'm talking bout STROLLING through central park. I love nature so much.

I watched a movie called AVATAR where God lives inside of an enormous tree, like the Berenstein bears. I don't think this is far off from the truth.

Plus, berenstein? those are jewish bears.

The problem with kids today is that they're always hunching over, typing into they're blackberries and iphones – I'm talking CHATS and TEXTS and EMAILS and CALLS and etc. We are disconnected. We are what is called 'disassociated." I see my friends trying to look so sad all the time. Frowning intentionally. Being cool and so forth. But when they send texts, they're all like, "AHAHAHAHAHAA LOL" – i'm talking capitol letters, happiness, etc. Why can they only express emotion in words? When did it become un-cool to be spiritual?

I'm not a hippy or hipster. I'm just a kid. Like you were a long time ago. Think back. Reach far, far back into your past. WAAAAAAAY BACK.

Now.

Do you remember, Darthmouth?

Do you remember when you were 15?

The world was a scary place, right? You didn't know what your future lay in store. You thought, "OH JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO CHOOSE MY CAREER RIGHTNOW RIGHTNOW!"

BUt let me ask you a question? Did you think, back when you were 15 and in my shoes (simile), "When I grow up I want to be a Dartmouth College Admissions Executive?" Of course not.

Who would want that?

No, you thought, "Fireman/firewoman" and "Movie star" and, I dunno what people wanted to be in the 1940s, probably like "Astropilots" or crazy things like "A COMPUTER" because you didn't even know then that computers can't also be people.

Anyway. YOu were also spiritual. You prayed every day.

Now look at us?

We text, we watch the Gossip Girls, we get so mad when Lenny's is out of half-sour pickles. In the past, jsut to have enough money to eat once a week was like a spiritual miracle.

I understand this.

[oops, almost at word count limit!]

I am intrested in Dartmouth's lacrosse JV team, newspaper, jewelry making club, world music percussion ensemble, and dorm life rep.

Thank you for considering my application.

With respect,
David Kelsey REDACTED – DAVID – DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN! – love mom